Behind the scenes,Sport

The darker side of England’s win

Lineker: “Well, relief all round as England go through to the last 16 of the World Cup. Sadly, we have some rather grave news to report. No, it’s not the latest on Wayne Rooney’s injured ankle…

Lineker: “… it’s Harry Redknapp. He’s been kidnapped.”

Harry: “It’s true Gary.”

Shearer: “Harry, can you hear me? It’s Al. I just wanted to ask you whether you know who it is that’s taken you? Has a political splinter group claimed responsibility?”

Harry: “No Alan, I’m in the dark…”

Hansen: “In the dark and in a cupboard by the looks of things, Harry.”

Harry: “Very much so, but what I want to know is who is coming to get me out of here…”

Lineker: “Well chaps, any thoughts?

Hansen: “For me, there’s only one man for the job. I’ve said it time and time again, if you’re in a hostage negotiation situation and you need to verbally grind down the kidnappers over 90 minutes and extra time, if necessary, you have to turn to your specialists…”

Shearer: “No way, you surely can’t mean… you can’t be serious…”

Hansen: “I’m deadly serious…”

Lineker: (pregnant pause) “So it really has come to this…”

(Off camera) Harry: “Noooooooooooooo….”