Tough love with Tanya Gold

Every month in the mag our resident sexpert Tanya Gold imparts her libidinous wisdom to all who care to listen.

Q My girlfriend is going to work abroad for a year. We have decided to stay together and make it work, although I’m worried that such a long distance between us will harm our love life. I’d like her to make me a porno to keep me occupied and faithful. Do you think this is out of order?

Hmm. Where to begin with your insane fantasy of making it “work”? First, the riveting logistics. (Have you ever made a porn film?) How is she going to do it? Will she hire a professional camera crew of media losers with ravaged goatees or will she film it herself on her Nokia? And, if so, where will she put the camera? Will she stick it on a bouncing cock with Blu-Tack? Hang it from a bush? Will you be in it, or will it star some waiters from your local Wimpy and a random dog? Will it be scripted – “Gavin, can you mend my aerial, eh?” – or will it be grunted? Questions, questions…

I don’t want to give out yucky sex advice, as if I am typing this with my hand down my M&S pants. Yes, you can have a porno made in this divine little studio in London’s Soho! They have a leatherette dungeon with edible strawberry flavoured restraints! (And they won’t keep a secretly filmed copy for themselves!) Ouch, your sophistication is hurting me. Blah. I know how to have sex – you open your mouth, suspend your disbelief and hope – and I assume that you do too. I have no moral objection to you wanking over a pixilated image of your naked soon-to-be-ex lover but – there are pitfalls.

Pitfall a) The movie is stolen by Cornish separatists, or Shining Dawn. (The terrorist group, not the B&B.) This only seems to happen to Big Brother contestants and girls called Rachael but, sexual mores being what they are, your girlfriend will be called an ugly slut by heaving mentalists in the lop-sided barnyard of the Internet and she will commit suicide. Porn will become auto-snuff. Congratulations.

Pitfall b) The one film will not be enough for you – you want more, more, more home-made porn! So you will turn your girlfriend into a full-time wanking machine, always popping into the bog at IBM/ICI/DEFRA/ASDA to toss one off for your evening’s pleasure. It will be like an evil version of John Craven’s Newsround.

Pitfall c) You will become careless of her, and treat her like an oozing animal. You will send text messages that say, “at wk. Bord. Pls snd pctr of yr brsts covrd in cm.” Repulsive. My considered advice? No!

Q After a heavy drinking session, I feel so horny I could shag a fag burn in a fur coat. Can you tell me what the scientific reason is for the hangover horn?

You have punched every prejudice in my I-hate-men box. Could it be that the sperm just want to escape the toxic swamp that is your body? That they are swimming away, like baby dolphins from a poisoned oil slick? (Did you know that dolphins think about the future?) Because there is no scientific evidence for your needy bleatings, whatsoever. I have checked. You are a fantasist and a fool. Fuck off.

Send your problems to Tanya Gold by emailing editors@esquire.co.uk. Title your message “Tough Love”.

Illustration by Mr Bingo