How Tos,Sex

Tough love with Tanya Gold

Every month in the mag Esquire’s resident sexpert Tanya Gold doles out her libidinous advice to anyone willing to listen.

I’ve got loads of girlfriends but all I hear is that I’m too nice to be boyfriend material. What do you suggest? David, Oxford

Oh God. This is a serious question and it deserves a serious answer, although I do not want to be the one to give it. I shudder to hear it. I want to take your head – although not by its self, I would prefer it be attached to your body – and stroke it, oh, poor, wounded, wretched clichéd man. I weep for you. I assume you are saying that women like talking to you and spending time with you but they do not try to lick your face or remove your trousers.

You are like me! I am also a sexual pariah but I do not think this is because I am nice, but because I am unattractive. (Are you, also, unattractive? Do you, like me, look like Bernie Winters in a fright wig?) If you are not physically unattractive – I will give you the benefit of the doubt because I am tired – then you, in your sad, sobbing little email, have exposed the essential schism in the heart of women. We say we want to be nurtured, adored and loved, blah, but then – then! – we run off to bad men, leaving you with your bewilderment and your little packet of Twiglets.

Why are women like this? Why? Why? (Why?)  I do not have a fucking clue but if I had to guess, I would say it has something to do with choosing men we can feel superior to. As in – he is Fred West and I own a Hoover.  He is Peter Sutcliffe and I can make salmon roulade. Take that, bad man! Next to you, I am glorious, replete and loved by the angels. I have a halo above each nipple.  This is called the Female Martyrdom Complex. (Are you sure that you are not unattractive?) What should you do? Well, you could become a criminal sociopath. Or you could turn to animals. They will take anyone.

Send your problems to Tanya Gold by emailing editors@esquire.co.uk. Title your message, Tough Love

Illustration by Mr Bingo