How Tos

Tough love with Tanya Gold

Every month in the mag our resident sexpert Tanya Gold imparts her libidinous wisdom to all who care to listen.

Q My partner insists on putting her finger up my arse during sex. Now, I’m not against this, but I do object to her trying to operate me like a finger puppet at other times of the day. Can you help?

No, I cannot help. I can merely mock and pretend to help. But even if I did want to help, which I don’t, I couldn’t, because I do not understand your problem. I think you are saying that you like your girlfriend – I am trying to think of a delicate, even funny way to express it but I cannot – sticking her finger up your arse and waggling it around like an evil finger puppet. Good. Excellent. Normal. (By the way, I have a tip for all Esquire readers. Go and tell a beautiful GP that you have piles and he/she will stick her finger up your arse, again and again and again. Do not ask me how I know this.) But you do not like her bullying you day-to-day, you say, and you have inserted an anal sex metaphor to confuse – or maybe trick – me. Is this what you mean?

So. Your girlfriend is bullying you. You do need to address this for her sake as well as yours because if you do not, you may end up strangling her and putting her body in a Tesco bin bag, like they do in those soap operas I used to watch before my television broke. (You think you have problems! My telly is BROKEN. Yes. BROKEN. BROKEN. BROKEN.) Freud says nothing happens by accident, not even broken televisions. You are bullied because, on some subliminal level, you desire it. Acknowledge it. And then do – what? I am not sure. Stay away from bin bags?

Q My new partner makes loads of noise in bed and I live with two flat mates. It’s getting rather embarrassing seeing them in the morning. Any advice?

What kind of noise? Is she shouting, “Pass me the Jaffa Cake that has been living under the mattress for 3000 years so I can stick it in my gob and suck?” Or, “I always thought I would end up with someone taller than you who has a bigger penis and more money?” (This happens when a woman’s internal monologue forgets to be internal.) Or, “Don’t call me your partner! I hate that word!” Or do you mean that your love-making (we cannot say “fucking” because it upsets the advertisers) is so beguiling and wondrous that she is whooping like a chimp that has just learnt to do a shit and is proud of itself? If it is the latter, I am surprised. I always thought that men liked it when they made women scream. That is the impression I get from watching footage of pro-democracy protests in Iran. Look – a woman! Shoot her in the face! Oh, she’s screaming! Haha! Let’s have a party around the blood!

But you are embarrassed, you say. If this is true – and I do suspect that your “problem” is merely a ruse to make all the readers of Esquire think “what a great fuck that man on the problem page is!” – there is only one solution. You must gag her with a gag. There are many kinds of gag for all kinds of mouth. Go into a porn shop and say, “Do you have any gags?” It is more fun than you might think.

Am I a freak because I only want to have sex three or four times a week, rather than three or four times a night?
In my experience only angry men – and men who tell their stories to Cosmopolitan – want to have sex all the time. Because ejaculating is like shouting. Spurt! I hate you! Spurt! Where is my dinner? Spurt! Tottenham! Spurt! Audi! It can be nice having sex all the time but, in my experience, these feelings tend to melt, leaving you with a man who is rocking and seething. A man who should be wearing a hospital gown and being fed through a tube.

So no, you are not a freak. You are normal. If you were a shop, you would be John Lewis.

Send your problems to Tanya Gold by emailing editors@esquire.co.uk. Title your message “Tough Love”.

Illustration by Mr Bingo