Tough love with Tanya Gold

Sex

Every month in the mag Esquire’s resident sexpert Tanya Gold doles out her libidinous advice for all those who care to listen.

Q Given my girlfriend can’t stop talking about how much she loves Robert Pattinson, do you agree that it’s fine for me to harp on in front of her and her friends about how much I’d like to bang Kristen Stewart? Stephen, Stowe

A Oh, you are so boring. I am so bored of I-want-to-screw-an-actress “problems”. This isn’t a problem, it’s a character defect. How many times do I have to say it? Have the courage to love a real woman, you twit, rather than pretend to lust after a two-dimensional airbrushed representation of an actress which, if you want to know but probably don’t because your internal life is probably of less interest to you than Wayne Rooney, is merely a gargantuan act of self-avoidance.

Rip out the page in Boring Celeb Mag With Boring Pictures of Celebs Being Boring and rub it on your dick, boring man. You want more insight into your boring little soul for your email? OK. You resent your girlfriend and have no imagination. She has no imagination and resents you back. I can hear the bells!

Q In your opinion, how long after sex is it OK for a man to fall asleep? (I am approaching 40.) Lawrence, Newcastle

A I do not have sex to be cuddled. I have sex to be orgasmed. My third-person internal narrative goes, “Screw your cuddles! Tanya already has a mother! She wants to have a powerful muscular spasm equivalent to 60 powerful sneezes after which she will fall asleep even before you do! [By the way, you can go now.]”

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want a punch in the mouth or a £50 note slapped down on the bedside table in lieu of the cuddle I don’t need because I already have a mother. (Or perhaps I do. I have a friend who asks her boyfriend for £500 after every sexual encounter, because it makes her feel – and I quote – “loved”. I am quite jealous of this. I want £500 for an orgasm!)

Even so, I believe the cuddles-after-sex-myth grew up because women feel starved of affection more generally and think they can nail the man better after sex, which is moronic. Why awake the beast in man and then demand the rabbit?

Send your problems to Tanya Gold by emailing editors@esquire.co.uk. Title your message “Tough Love”.

Illustration by Mr Bingo