Sex

Tough love with Tanya Gold

In the second part of this month’s Tough Love column, Esquires resident sexpert Tanya Gold talks knicker-sniffing, low libidos and untamed bushes.

Q I recently split up with my girlfriend but we are still shagging like rabbits. Is it OK to do this? David, Glasgow
A Fool. Do you think that because you no longer wish to go to Gap, the urge to fuck has gone? Sex is only partly an expression of love, despite what pop music says. It can be just as effective an expression of hate, or betrayal, or anger, or any of my favourite emotions, which I love so much I think of them as cats. So, although this disturbs you, it is in no way abnormal. There aren’t many gags in asking you to treat each other kindly, even if you are no longer planning to rot together. Enjoy it, because it will soon be over, like the welfare state.

Q I’ve totally gone off sex of late. Any ideas on how I can get my libido back? Stephen, Leeds
A The accepted response to this sobbing query is: Are you eating well, child? Feeling generally happy? Exercising? Meditating? Sleeping? If the answer to any of these questions is “No”, then – zing! – there is your answer.
But bollocks to that. Watch porn. And if, after this porn binge, you are still not interested in sex, you have died without anyone noticing, including yourself.

Q Massive manly bush or trimmed bush – what’s your call? Peter, Belfast
A I’m sure I have answered this question before and so, like an MP with a mental constituent, I refer you to the answer I gave some columns ago. Too big and a woman may think she is putting her head in a rabbi. Too small and you look like you care about your pubic hair, which, with all the unrest in the world, demonstrates a level of narcissism that impresses even me. Trim moderately, rinse the bread knife, and forget.

Q I recently split up with my girlfriend and chucked all her stuff in the bin…apart from one pair of used knickers. Am I a pervert? Tony, Brighton
A No, you are a serial killer.