Dear Uncle D,
Are there any sex toys that actually improve sex or are they just all coy and sniggering hen night presents?
Well, funny you should ask. Ninety per cent of sex toys are the answer to male inadequacy. It’s you but bigger, faster, with better batteries. Do they work? You better hope not. But I have just been given a piece of kit that I will pass on to you. It’s the Ann Summers Luxury Lacy BJ Strap (£12).
This is the answer to a need you didn’t know you had. A wide piece of material about 2ft long with loops at each end, it goes round the back of a girl’s head while she performs fellatio.
You can grab the loops and yank, thereby inducing that particularly exciting gag reflex. What I like about this piece of kit is that it’s marketed to women. The lacey bit makes it look feminine, and the other side is velour for comfort. They promise it won’t mess up her hair.
So when she says, “I’m not noshing you off, I’ve just had a ’do,” you can reply, elegantly, “I’ve got just the thing for that.” We wouldn’t need it at all of course if God hadn’t taken his eye off the ball and given women ears instead of handles.