I’m really, really excited about outdoor sex. My girlfriend says we should try everything. What do you recommend?
Tom, by email
Tom, the world’s your oyster. I’m not sure how qualified I am as an erotic tour guide. I’m assuming you and your girlfriend are just setting out on life’s sexual pilgrimage. All the kit is still new and shiny, a little stiff, a bit tight, and you’re both dewy thighed about it all.
I don’t want to be a party pooper, but then poop and parties pretty much go together.
Most of the things you think you want to do aren’t anything like as much fun as they’re cracked up to be. All the stuff they get up to in porn movies, it’s like doing an assault course while desperately trying to think of Megan Fox.
Most of the people who regularly have sex under the stars do it because they don’t have an indoors to go to. Doggers are homeless wife swappers.
Outside, you may have noticed, doesn’t have a roof. It’s cold, wet, hard, lumpy and dirty, none of it in a good way. There are some places that should be sued under the sex descriptions act.
Attempting coitus in a jacuzzi is the most overrated and unpleasant experience in all of civilisation. Sex on a beach is cold, clammy and uncomfortable; you really don’t want sand up there. Sex in the sea is impossible unless you’re the passive partner of a dolphin. I do, though, recommend sex in a tent: half inside, half outside.
Or a balmy veranda in Provence. The floor of a box in the Royal Albert Hall during Elgar’s Cello Concerto worked very well for me once. Sex is about physics and engineering. It’s simple. Bridge and tunnel.
Love is different. You can have the best sex of your life anywhere if it’s with the right person at the right moment. Wherever you do it, all sex is inside.