First, some background: Bored kids in the nineties became enthralled by a game called Pokémon, which charged them with the essential task of "catching 'em all!" ("'em"meaning the titular magical animals."All"meaning the then-150 species that needed to be cataloged by incompetent scientists). This proved vastly more interesting than the real world: Instead of dealing with dull squirrels and useless rabbits, there were bizarre animals that could be collected in little balls and used as slaves. Rather than be forced into awkward small talk with strangers, one could force your virtual pets to fight to the point of exhaustion.
Then these bored kids grew up. They got jobs, moved out of their parents' houses (well, some of them), and started exploring the real world, which was full of taxes to pay, meetings to attend, and an orange-hirsute man more terrifying than any orange fire-breathing lizard king.
An entire generation left Pokémon behind. They were now grown-ass adults—they could no longer be seen with handheld gaming devices and maintain their dignity.
But last week, something amazing happened. The Nintendo-owned franchise released Pokémon Go, a free app for Android and iOS that allows users to wander their real-world environment in search of Pokémon.
As you've surely noticed by now, the game has become so popular so quickly that it feels like we were taken in a time machine right back to 1997. As of this writing, it's more popular in the App Store than Tinder. When people would rather use an app to wander around catching imaginary wizard rodents than to meet real people who potentially want to have sex, you know this thing is a hit.
You've seen the viral stories. You've seen the signs at your corner deli. You've seen assholes crossing the street with their eyes glued to their phone in search of a Snorlax. You've seen congregations of people standing around seemingly random places absentmindedly swiping away. You've seen the pictures on Instagram of your friends posing with stupid cartoon creatures. You've wondered: What are these people doing with themselves? If you mean that existentially, we can't help you. But if you mean logistically, here's a helpful guide.
WHAT IS POKEMON GO?
It's vaguely similar to the eight-bit Pokémon you may remember from your childhood, except instead of exploring unfortunately-named locales like Diglett's Cave, you actually walk around your neighborhood IRL using your phone's GPS. Your pointy-haired little anime avitar moves where you do. Real landmarks show up as in-game landmarks where you can buy supplies like Pokeballs, which are used to enslave and imprison the Pokémon. (Some things never change!) Certain areas are marked as gyms where you can battle the Pokémons you've collected.
The most important aspect, though, is the act of actually capturing the Pokémon. When you come across one on the map, the game uses your phone's camera to show the Pokémon in your actual surroundings. From there, you randomly lob PokéBalls at the thing until it sucks the Pokémon inside, where it will spend the rest of its miserable existence obeying you.
HOW DO I GET GOOD?
By playing the game nonstop at all times. A good Pokémon trainer should never stop moving, and never stop working to "Catch 'em all!" If you do, you will fail a sexy scientist named Professor Willow. Don't look away from your phone—even for a second!—or you could miss your opportunity.
Or just pay up: People who don't enjoy the pleasures of the hunt can spend IRL money to buy PokéCoins, which cost $0.99 for 100. Like the real world, those of us who are made of money can use it to buy our way to the top. A good life lesson, trainers!
Pro tip: Be equipped with a phone charger (or a backpack full of burner phones), as the app's use of location services drains an incredible amount of battery power. Have an extra pair of shoes for all that walking. Make sure you have health insurance, as you will be staring at your phone and cannot look at where you're walking until it's too late and your face meets the grille of an 18-wheeler.
NOW I'M ADDICTED. WHEN IS IT APPROPRIATE TO PLAY?
To reiterate, you should be playing at all times. That said, there are certain situations where it's best to set aside Pokémon Go.
- Movie theaters.
- Funerals.
- Anywhere you want to impress a potential sexual partner (unless they've sipped the Kool Aid and play Pokémon Go, too—in which case, carry on).
- While operating heavy machinery.
That's it! Otherwise go for it, trainers!
COULD HACKERS, CORPORATIONS, & THE GOVERNMENT TRY TO STEAL MY DATA?
WHY HAS THIS TRANSLATED TO NON-GAMERS?
Last week, the Dallas Mavericks posted photos of the team's players posing with Pokémon. Rappers like Run the Jewels' El-P are talking about it. It's already being harnessed by #brands. The game has climbed to the peak of meme culture. When people figured out they could get photos of their friends with Pokémon, of Pokémon sitting on toilets, and of Pokémon nursing bottles of booze, social media went nuts.
What's just as important as "catching 'em all!" is getting a picture that will garner a few precious Facebook likes, or Twitter retweets. You can tell your friends that you appreciate the irony of playing a children's game, and that you get the humor of repurposing childhood nostalgia in unexpected ways. This is what the Internet adores. It's the same reason the general public thinks Nickelback is lame but thinks Nickelback memes are awesome.
WILL HATEFUL RELIGIOUS FANATICS USE IT AS A MARKETING TOOL?
Yes!
WILL THIS BE AROUND FOR AWHILE?
Doubtful. Unless the game implements multi-player functionality, it will likely only continue to be popular with hardcore gamers. Non-gamers will move onto the next rehashed viral trend. My vote: Tamagotchis!
