On Christmas Eve, my fiancé handed me a small, poorly wrapped package. "Open it," he insisted, an excitedly nervous grin on his face.
I did so cautiously, afraid he was about to pull some ridiculous prank on me — but when the wrapping paper fell to the floor, I felt my jaw do the same.
He had gotten me my dream sex toy: a set of vibrating panties, which could be controlled by a small remote anywhere up to 45 feet away.
Wanting to enjoy our new toy right away, my fiancé and I decided a little sexperiment was in order. Basically, we wanted to see what would happen if we turned our sex life on vibrate and took it into public. We vowed to try the vibrating underwear in five very different locations, from a night club to a movie theater to a quiet café.
First, we set a few ground rules. I would wear the underwear and my fiancé would control them with the small remote. To start, we would agree when the panties would be turned on, but as the experiment went along I gave him permission to start without warning. And, of course, we would both go about our business from that point on, only talking about the vibrating elephant in the room if something didn't feel right.
With those rules settled, we began our test the very next day.
COFFEE SHOP
Leaving my fiancé to order our morning coffees and scones, I slipped into the bathroom of our favorite local coffee shop to put the vibe into place. This was our first round of the experiment, so we both decided it was best to start on the lowest setting the remote offered.
Just as I was about to leave the restroom, I felt the underwear switch on in an explosive vibration. In the echoey little bathroom, the vibrations sounded like I was hiding an iPhone 6 Plus between my legs. And I was blowing up.
But the moment I stepped out of the bathroom, I could barely hear the vibes myself. There were only a few others sitting in the café — just feet away – but not a single person seemed to notice what was happening right next to their almond milk lattes.
The feeling was much more intense than I had anticipated, even on the lowest setting. I quickly found that if I arched my back, pushing my pelvis forward, it created an even more pleasurable angle. In this position, I was sure that I would orgasm in minutes.
But just as I was beginning to feel myself, the barista called my name, thoroughly ruining my Queen Bey moment. I stood and made my way over to the counter.
To my horror, I was suddenly standing in a sea of small children, all of whom were running around my knees excitedly. Worse, as I reached over to grab my scone, one little girl ran right into my leg, grabbing onto my jeans.
After that incident, I tried my best to enjoy the sensations, but I just couldn't. Between the squirming feeling of discomfort in my stomach and the too-chill-for-this coffeehouse soundtrack playing all around me, I was seriously not in the mood.
I finished my breakfast stiff as a board and a little sweaty. Neither in a good way.
Final Thoughts: Any place where swarms of children might be running around your hip-area is never a good place for vibrating panties. And, as a side note, "Shattered" by OAR might be great for chilling with a café au lait, but it's not so great for getting off.
Orgasm Count: 0
MOVIE THEATER
Real talk: this was the one I was most excited about. And, as it turns out, for good reason.
Armed with a large popcorn and the remote control, my fiancé settled into the squishy movie theater chair next to me. We hadn't discussed when or how we would start, so I sat on pins and needles through the first 20 minutes of Passengers.
When it did happen, about a half hour into the movie, I was far too busy obsessing over Jennifer Lawrence's hair to even see it coming.
The vibrations hit me like a tidal wave, starting fast and furious. I had to shove a handful of buttered popcorn in my mouth just to keep down a moan – which honestly wasn't the worst thing.
For nearly an hour, my fiancé played with remote – and me. As the action in the movie rose, he would make the vibrations fast and intense. As the action slowed, he would abruptly bring the vibrations back down, leaving me literally breathless.
And getting to watch JLaw and Chris Pratt go at it while this happened was just an added bonus, tbh.
The best part of all was the privacy of the movie theater. Sure, there were still strangers all around me, but the darkness of the theater and the positioning of the seats was liberating. Unlike any other place, I could make all the "O" faces I wanted without anyone giving me side-eye.
Final Thoughts: Highly recommended. No one stared at me like I forgot to put my phone on silent (my biggest fear of the evening) and I can officially confirm that Christ Pratt is my favorite actor.
Orgasm Count: 2
RESTAURANT
By the time we were seated at our downtown pub of choice, my vibes were already going strong. We wasted no time taking our seats at the table, ordering drinks, and toasting to our newest toy before kicking things into high gear.
My fiancé gave me a gentle prod with his foot under the table, our pre-conceived signal that he was going to turn on the underwear, and I braced myself. But without cluing me in, he decided to start on a much higher intensity than before. I should have known he was planning on taking me by surprise; he had a deeply satisfied smirk on his face.
I still jumped a mile out of my seat when the vibrations hit me.
"You okay?" He asked, almost teasing me.
I nodded breathlessly, trying to stop myself from basically writhing in public.
At first, it was fabulous. With only my fiancé looking at me, sharing in our motorized secret, I felt like a straight up sex goddess. On this intense setting, my body was sweltering hot from head to toe. And just as I was about to finish, the waitress arrived at our table.
I swear, the menu literally went blurry on me. My eyes were crossing, my palms were sweating, and I spent the longest minute of my life stuttering the words "baked haddock" while I tried to suppress an orgasm.
Afterwards, I was thoroughly distracted. With the open layout of the quiet restaurant, I suddenly felt like all eyes were on me. Maybe it was the vodka or the vibrating underwear, but I become paranoid. I was just about to shut the whole thing down when the food came, and I decided to stick it out to see how eating felt on vibrate.
I'll say this: I was very hungry. When the food came, I was shoveling that ish down. Maybe this restaurant's baked haddock is on point, but I seriously think the rush of dopamine made my food taste next-level delicious.
Sadly, my ravenous appetite wasn't entirely satisfied. Between being unable to shake the feeling that everyone was staring at me and the pressure to make dinner conversation with my partner, I couldn't quite get myself there.
Final Thoughts: This setting was hot, but I totally cracked under pressure. A good rule of thumb: the darker and sexier the restaurant the better. Try to go somewhere intimate, so you don't feel like the center of attention and you can really focus on yourself. Unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, this is your scene.
Orgasm Count: 0 – but so close
BAR
What I was most excited about for this round was the noise. Sitting in that quiet, proper restaurant with vibrating underwear on had not been the best experience, so I was ready for some good old barroom screaming to ease my anxiety.
Unsurprisingly, all the seats at the bar were taken, so we had to order drinks and stand in the crowd awkwardly. Which meant that every time someone brushed by me, I had a small trill of fear. THEY KNOW. I was trying my best to plaster myself up against the wall so no one would touch me and discover my vibrating secret.
Now, I'm not a prude in any sense of the word, but I'll admit that for the second night in a row, I was paranoid about other people's judgements of me.
And this frustrated me. Enough so that I demanded we hit the dance floor.
Frankly, this is what saved date #4. On the darkness of the dance floor, with only the occasional strobe going off and the EDM music pumping wildly, I was in my element.
One of my fiancé's hands was tight around my waist pulling me close to him, while the other got to work in his pocket. Let me just say, the man should be a DJ. The vibrations flowed with the music and every twirl of my hips gave me a new angle to enjoy from.
This was exactly what I needed to let go. And I did let go. Over and over and over.
Final Thoughts: Standing in a crowded bar with vibrating underwear? Not so hot. Dancing like crazy with vibrating underwear on? Near perfection. My word of advice is to choose the bar/club you go to wisely.
Orgasm Count: 3
HOUSE PARTY
My first thought walking into a house full of friends with vibrating underwear on? I need a shot. Luckily, I was in the right company.
Fast forward to three tequila shots later, and I was ready to mingle and tingle. (New catch phrase patent pending.)
Long story short: it was hot AF. The Jose Cuervo had really inspired my fiancé to get creative with the remote, causing me to have full-body spasms every three minutes. The good kind. My fiancé started experimenting with some of the remote's other settings, ones we both had been a little too nervous to try before tonight.
These settings made the vibrations come in various, unpredictable patterns, and my sneaky fiancé was clearly having a blast taking me by surprise with them from across the room. Being unable to say a word to one another while still making eye contact made this so much hotter than we had expected.
Final Thoughts: Having this little secret between you and your partner in a room full of loud people is fire. But then there's TMW you're trying to enjoy your vibrating panties and your friend keeps talking about their student loans. Not so sexy. This setting might not get you there, but it makes for unreal foreplay for you and your partner, setting you up for one amazing after-party.
Orgasm Count: 0 – at the party, at least
After all that, I gave the vibrating underwear a rest after all the work we put them through. Mainly because we killed the batteries. But rest assured, they proved themselves to be the sex toy I had always imagined.
At the end of the day, we were proud of ourselves for trying something different outside the bedroom.
We're definitely vibing with each other now more than ever.
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