When you think of comedy, does your mind immediately go to "constant, sweaty effort?" Do you reserve your heartiest laughs for the person who begs you for them the hardest? Would you like to watch something that will immediately send you crawling under your desk for a long nap? Well, then do I have the music video for you! Katy Perry has released the full-length clip for "Swish Swish," her Taylor Swift diss track from five million years ago, and it's, well, here it is.

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Like all great comedy, the "Swish Swish" video takes place in the world of basketball. We begin with an establishing shot of Bingo's Bail Bonds Stadium (right away: recognisable and hilarious), and a shot of Katy Perry atop a pyramid of basketballs. This pyramid, of course, has no structural integrity, so obviously Katy falls immediately, and a dumb cleaner gets hit in the head with a basketball and he falls, and some kid who's eating alone in a darkened Bingo's Bail Bonds Stadium does the laughing for you. We're off and funning, you guys.

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Right away, as in Hootie and the Blowfish's unforgettable comedy classic "Only Wanna Be With You," we're part of a a television sports broadcast. It's called Swish Center, and is hosted by Bill Walton and Rich Eisen, which, okay, fine. The boys are covering a game—that they right away acknowledge will be difficult to watch—between The Tigers and The Sheep. (In the source material, "The Sheep" refers to Taylor Swift, who is the bad guy, who is also a snake, and also I guess we're supposed to be rooting for a tiger to eat a sheep alive, because Katy Perry skipped a few days at Metaphor School.) The Tigers are Katy Perry's team, starring Katy Perry and a real cast of characters. One of them is this lady:

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Do you get it? Here, I'll explain: before Kazaam, Shaquille O'Neal was a basketball player (just like the Tigers and the Sheep!), meals are groupings of food items that a person eats three to five times daily (you might have had one today!), and this woman is larger than the average person, so she is completely defined by her constant meal eating. Like all overweight people, she just can't get enough of that food! She'll even eat a whole basketball! Are you laughing yet? If not, just trust me: it's really, really funny and probably later today it'll hit you and you'll just fall right out. It's that good.

Also there's someone from Glee, and because it is 2017, the kid with the front teeth situation from Stranger Things is required by federal law to take part.

The Sheep are the heels in this situation, and one of them is played by The Mountain from Game of Thrones. He's enormous and probably also eats a decent amount of food each day, but he's a man, so there's no reason to concern ourselves with such matters. What we should address is that the cheerleaders are drag queens, so if you're a gay person who was hoping your culture could be co-opted to provide depth and flavor to an argument between two heterosexual millionaires, today is your lucky day.

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Anyway, the Tigers win the tipoff, and it looks like Katy's going to score, but the girl from Glee is too timid to help, the guy from Moana is busy dancing, and the fat lady is literally helping herself to a sandwich, so no dice.

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So it looks really bad, right? The Sheep are super huge, and way better at basketball, and also there's no reason for any of this to be happening! It would seem that all is lost, but then Katy Perry is forcibly injected with Kobe Bryant's sweat, which makes her do the wacky screwball comedy faces she is widely known for.

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So then she goes back out on that basketball court and she's still not very good, and the live-action Space Jam reboot you never asked for unfolds over the course of 25 seconds that feel like a full and particularly taxing eight-hour workday. Oh, the teams are coached by Terry Crews and Molly Shannon, which is a thing I wish wasn't happening, but it just is, and we all have to deal with it. (If you haven't watched Other People yet, please do. It's important that Molly Shannon survive this.)

Luckily, Nicki Minaj shows up (to a completely different studio, thousands of miles away, because for all her faults, Nicki Minaj is a sensible human being). She does her guest verse, tells Katy to get it together, collects her check, and leaves. So the Tigers take her advice and get it together—except for the big woman, who I swear to God eats a quesadilla. Katy gets to do some of her legendary CGI dunks, there are five million ads for Just Dance 2018, Molly Shannon makes out with one of the referees because she's a middle-aged lady and she's gotta have it, and then I guess the heroes win, except the main hero is the woke goofball sexpot pop star who refuses to let you forget you about the big dumb feud she's in, and Donald Trump is the President of the United States, so who even knows what hero behaviour is supposed to fucking look like anymore.

Like all great pop music videos, "Swish Swish" leaves you exhausted, annoyed, confused, and a good seven years older than you were six minutes ago. It's a shame, too, because when Katy Perry stops trying to be your hilarious best friend, she's capable of great pop music. There are some jams on Witness, I swear! Anyway, don't miss this weekend's MTV Video Music Awards, where Katy Perry will bring her subtle comic charm to the role of host. If you need me, I will be under a heavy blanket, contemplating every single choice that brought me to where I am this second.

From: Esquire US