So you're spending every waking hour of your life pretending to exist in the reality of a kid's cartoon show? Cool. No judgement here. The real world is awful.
But we've all had a chat and, Pokémon cards on the table, we'd prefer it if you stopped doing all of these things with immediate effect...
1 | To the best of your ability, try to abstain from positioning a Diglet over your crotch and taking a screenshot.
2 | If you (understandably) can't resist doing that, then under no circumstances should you send said screenshot to every girl on your contact list with the caption "U teach me & I'll teach U ;) ;P \(ö)/"
3 | Avoid zoos, lest you fall into a dizzy Pavlovian state and start lobbing rocks at the alpacas.
4 | Delete the words "Pokémon trainer" from your Twitter bio right this very second, before we ring up all of your childhood bullies and organise a meet-and-beat.
5 | Try not to boast about the amount of "lures" you have. It's creepy.
6 | Don't take your friends on a made-up short cut because you've heard murmurs of Pikachus hanging out near the Greggs across town.
7 | Don't force your poor, tired mum to delve into your childhood loft and retrieve old Pokémon cards. They're still as worthless as your time seems to be.
8 | Try to resist maxing out your iPhone memory with this 10-hour Pokemon theme tune loop in a bid to make the experience more 'authentic.'
9 | You do not – repeat, do not - need to wear a backwards-facing cap to play Pokémon Go. You look like a Trump supporter on their holidays.
10 | Don't spend your weekend discussing Pokémon Go with kids in the local playground, however much they 'just understand you'. The police definitely won't.
11 | Don't point your iPhone camera at a fellow commuter's face in an attempt to catch a Golbat, like you've suddenly found your muse or something.
12 | In fact, just turn VR off altogether.
13 | Try not to let Pokemon lingo trespass into other areas of your life (e.g: screaming "I choose you!" in a girl's face at Yates's.)
14 | Don't cellotape your iPhone to your dog just to make eggs hatch faster.
15 | When someone asks you about the happiest moment of your life, try not to talk wistfully about that time your 10km egg hatched into a Snorlax (at least, not in front of your partner or children)
