AA Gill On... Sex Toys

Dear Uncle D,

Are there any sex toys that actually improve sex or are they just all coy and sniggering hen night presents?

Robert, Manchester

Well, funny you should ask. Ninety per cent of sex toys are the answer to male inadequacy. It's you but bigger, faster, with better batteries. Do they work? You better hope not. But I have just been given a piece of kit that I will pass on to you. It's the Ann Summers Luxury Lacy BJ Strap (£12).

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

This is the answer to a need you didn't know you had. A wide piece of material about 2ft long with loops at each end, it goes round the back of a girl's head while she performs fellatio.

You can grab the loops and yank, thereby inducing that particularly exciting gag reflex. What I like about this piece of kit is that it's marketed to women. The lacey bit makes it look feminine, and the other side is velour for comfort. They promise it won't mess up her hair.

So when she says, "I'm not noshing you off, I've just had a 'do," you can reply, elegantly, "I've got just the thing for that." We wouldn't need it at all of course if God hadn't taken his eye off the ball and given women ears instead of handles.

What do you think?

Snapchat Glasses
Culture
Share
Snapchat Is Bringing Out Sunglasses That Record Video
​Is this the end of days?​
Culture
Share
The Making Of David Bowie's Lost Soul Album
​How it got made—and why it was shelved—from those that were there​
Drake
Culture
Share
Drake Has Released His Own Action Film
​​A mix of Indecent Proposal, The Bourne Identity and Taken... ​apparently ​
Culture
Share
Nirvana's 'Nevermind' Baby Has Recreated His Cover Shot 25 Years Later
​"I said to the photographer, 'Let's do it naked.' But he thought that would be weird​"
TV
Share
Watch The Trailer For Matt Damon And Ben Affleck's New TV Series
​​It's a dystopian drama, and it looks surprisingly good​
Culture
Share
Is This The Worst Plane Seat Assignment Ever?
Hello, nightmares
Culture
Share
Watch Two Cars Delicately Drift In Sync
It's pretty mesmerising
Culture
Share
5 Things Every Man Needs To Know About This Week
​Your cultural(ish) guide to the week ahead​​
TV
Share
Game of Thrones Actors are Also Peeved About Their Characters Randomly Getting Killed
The man behind Doran Martell opens up about his one big moment last season
Culture
Share
This Is Where "Roger That" Really Comes From
​Copy that.​