AA Gill On... A Girlfriend With A Past

Our resident agony uncle tackles a tricky dilemma

AA,
I'm really in love. Head over heels, brilliantly and amazingly, fantastically, transcendently besotted. And she loves me. She loves me, she loves me. We spend every moment we can together. She's my first real girlfriend. Obviously, I wasn't actually a virgin but I'm naturally shy and not really a lad. I could just lie there listening to her breathe. She has the sweetest little blonde hairs on her stomach. And when she smiles, oh! when she smiles... [I've cut the next page-and-a-half]… and she says I'm the most perfect boy she's ever met and that really means a lot to me because she's met lots of boys, lots and lots and lots. She's a couple of years older than me and has had sex – not made love – with pretty much everyone I know including my brother. Look, I'm not making judgments, she's not a slut or a slapper or any of those horrible names men abuse women with. And I'm not jealous, really not at all. She says what we have is different, that it's on another, purer plane. We have deeper respect and tenderness than she's ever experienced with other men. It's just that the guys tease me by asking if she's done the thing yet. Apparently, she has a special trick. A bedroom talent that she performs which blows your mind or something. And honestly I don't know if she's done it or not. Our lovemaking is unspeakably warm and tender, like being one person. I don't want to ask her because it would be like admitting I was talking about her in a disrespectful way but the boys just keep laughing and shouting in the street and saying, "Have you had it yet?" And I know it's just banter but it's spoiling my beautiful, perfect love affair.

Frank, by email

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Frank, honestly, get a grip. Of course it's just locker room teasing. But are you really serious? She hasn't done that thing yet? It's definitely not tender oneness. Oh, my God. We were just talking about it in the office. Never come across one with that sort of muscle control. Never come across one that had muscles there at all! And absolutely no gag reflex. It's spectacular. One of the guys in the post room says he's got it on his iPhone. A bit shaky but we'll Snapchat it to you. When's your birthday?