AA Gill On... A Girlfriend With A Past

Our resident agony uncle tackles a tricky dilemma

AA,
I'm really in love. Head over heels, brilliantly and amazingly, fantastically, transcendently besotted. And she loves me. She loves me, she loves me. We spend every moment we can together. She's my first real girlfriend. Obviously, I wasn't actually a virgin but I'm naturally shy and not really a lad. I could just lie there listening to her breathe. She has the sweetest little blonde hairs on her stomach. And when she smiles, oh! when she smiles... [I've cut the next page-and-a-half]… and she says I'm the most perfect boy she's ever met and that really means a lot to me because she's met lots of boys, lots and lots and lots. She's a couple of years older than me and has had sex – not made love – with pretty much everyone I know including my brother. Look, I'm not making judgments, she's not a slut or a slapper or any of those horrible names men abuse women with. And I'm not jealous, really not at all. She says what we have is different, that it's on another, purer plane. We have deeper respect and tenderness than she's ever experienced with other men. It's just that the guys tease me by asking if she's done the thing yet. Apparently, she has a special trick. A bedroom talent that she performs which blows your mind or something. And honestly I don't know if she's done it or not. Our lovemaking is unspeakably warm and tender, like being one person. I don't want to ask her because it would be like admitting I was talking about her in a disrespectful way but the boys just keep laughing and shouting in the street and saying, "Have you had it yet?" And I know it's just banter but it's spoiling my beautiful, perfect love affair.

Frank, by email

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Frank, honestly, get a grip. Of course it's just locker room teasing. But are you really serious? She hasn't done that thing yet? It's definitely not tender oneness. Oh, my God. We were just talking about it in the office. Never come across one with that sort of muscle control. Never come across one that had muscles there at all! And absolutely no gag reflex. It's spectacular. One of the guys in the post room says he's got it on his iPhone. A bit shaky but we'll Snapchat it to you. When's your birthday?

What do you think?

Amy Schumer
Culture
Share
Amy Schumer Is The First Woman To Make Forbes Highest Paid Comedian List
Well played, Amy
Sadiq Khan
Culture
Share
Sadiq Khan Just Trolled Jeremy Corbyn By Saying 'Power' 38 Times In One Speech
He seems to be trying to make some sort of a point, here
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton
Culture
Share
The 10 Best Quotes From The Clinton Vs Trump Presidential Debate
"A man who can be provoked by a tweet should not have his fingers anywhere near the nuclear codes"​
Francesco Totti
Culture
Share
Why Francesco Totti Is The Last King Of Football's Golden Age
​​As the Roma legend turns 40, Finlay Renwick reflects on the the legacy of the ultimate one club footballer​​
Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie
Culture
Share
Brad Pitt's Love Life: A Timeline
Who else had forgotten about Juliette Lewis?
Liam and Noel Gallagher
Culture
Share
Are Oasis About To Announce A Comeback?
Insert 'Don't Look Back In Anger' pun here​
Lil Wayne
Culture
Share
Lil' Wayne Officiated A Same-Sex Wedding While In Prison
​​As you do ​
Sam Allardyce
Culture
Share
Sam Allardyce Embarrasses The FA And Himself After Being Caught In Newspaper Sting
Why, Sam? Why?​​
Matt LeBlanc in Top Gear
TV
Share
Matt LeBlanc Signs Up For Another Two Series Of Top Gear
How you doin'? Pretty good actually​
Film
Share
Now Liev Schreiber And Naomi Watts Have Split Up
Tough times in Hollywood​