AA Gill... On Sex Position Safety

Our agony uncle sheds the light of truth on bedroom dangers and the meaning of friendship

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Dear Uncle Dysfunctional,

I've read that the "girl on top" position is the most likely to break a chap's willy. Who knew you could break a cock? And that getting your todger fractured is one of the most painful things to happen to a penis?

Leaving aside the obvious humiliation of having it gawped at by masses of medical students and sniggering nurses who've never seen a bust one before, there's the awkward and equally painful operation that I understand is often unsuccessful and can lead to permanent erectile dysfunction and a willy like a small hockey stick, which is more use for unblocking sinks than being the wand of pleasure. And I expect it'll look weird in Speedos.

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I only ask because my boyfriend, well, my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, has been sticking his in all sorts of unsavoury places, and has given me a repellent and humiliating disease. And I'm considering giving him something to remember me by.

So what do you suggest the best way to break his penis would be?

Deirdre, via email

Dear Deirdre,

An interesting question. And I'm not sure this is the best place to come and ask it. But you're quite right: "cowgirl", as it's known by porn stars and sex therapists, is the position most likely to result in a fractured willy. "Doggy" or "ewe" (if you're Welsh) is the second most winky wonky-damaging. However, it's rare, only accounting for one break in every gazillion knee-tremblers. So you, or rather he, is more likely to smash his sausage falling out of bed than actually slipping it up you.

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However, the most common cause for a bust penis is guilt and shame. In some Muslim countries, a visible erection is a terrible embarrassment and boys are taught how to detumesce in emergencies. I think this may be your best option in the disfigurement of the errant hard-on. I'm told that old mullahs suggest grabbing the base of the pee-pee in one fist while firmly grasping the bell end with the other, and sharply pulling it down at right angles. You should hear a distinct cracking noise, followed by a long, high-pitched scream.

I would be remiss if I didn't point out, as an adviser on a men's magazine, that this is grievous bodily harm and could lead to criminal prosecution. Also, a man with a broken knob is unlikely to be reasonable in his reactions. But I expect you've already thought about all that and might consider something a little less fundamental.

The one thing worse than a broken cock is a broken heart. And worse than a broken heart is a crushed ego. So why don't you shag his dad, assigning the acid-piss crotch-rot that he gave you to his parents? And then send them all a note on Facebook. Only a suggestion.

Dear Uncle Dysfunctional,

Ricky has been my best mate since our first day at junior school. He was being bitten by another boy and crying like a cat in a kennel. So I thumped the kid and got sent to the headmistress, and we've been inseparable ever since.

That first encounter turned out to be the template for our friendship. Ricky is, frankly, hopeless — always in trouble, he's clumsy, he's fat, he's forgetful. All-round useless. But he's also brilliant — he's really funny. I spend my life getting him out of scrapes, defending him and giving him somewhere to kip. But he makes me laugh like no one else. He's got a heart of gold and really cares for me. He'd take a bullet for me.

I feel really bad writing this but he's become a problem. We do everything together. We're out every weekend. We're known everywhere as Dicky and Ricky, and the truth is, he wouldn't be that popular if it wasn't for me. He's a fair old liability and he's become a cock-blocker. We're both 18 now and I'd like to move on and go out with girls or at least be able to chat someone up without having to find a munter for Rick.

I feel so disloyal saying this. I want him to be my best mate forever. If I get married, he'll be my best man. If I have kids, he can be a godfather to all of them. I just can't be responsible for his social life any more, and I can't have him putting the mockers on mine. How do I handle this?

Richard, Hull

Dear Richard,

You don't. All those years ago in the playground, you saved Ricky's life as surely as if you dived into a river and dragged him out. Everything he became afterwards was down to you. Save a man's life and you're responsible for that life. Ricky is a perfect sidekick — out of gratitude and friendship, he has remained a fat six-year-old for you; being funny, always showing you off in a good light by comparison to him. You could grow up to be a handsome, confident young man because another boy laid down his youth to give you that poise, confidence and élan. What Ricky did for you is one of the most touching and generous actions of selfless friendship. Who do you think really saved whom in that playground?

Dear Uncle Dysfunctional,

Dick and I have been best mates all our lives. We do everything together. He's handsome, fit, athletic and suave, and I'm a bit of a joker and on the chubby side. And I've been happy to be like that for years.

The thing is, now I realise I'm gay. And I don't know how to tell him. He'll think I'm coming on to him — he's a bit vain. But I'm really not — he's not my type. How can I break it to him that I can't spend every Friday and Saturday watching him pick up slappers in our filthy local? I've secretly started having sex with another guy we were at school with. He bit me on our first day. He says it was unresolved lust. Dick's going to be really hurt, bless him.

But, anyway, I'd still like him to be my best man.

Ricky, Hull

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