AA Gill On... Pornography

Uncle D,

What's your position on pornography?

Ava, by email

Complaining about pornography is like moaning about the weather, though more fun, with better graphics. We are just surrounded by it. It's bottomless, topless and endless.

It's also very repetitive. Very, very, very repetitive. So I don't have a position on porn. I'm assuming this is a sniggering pun and you're not called Ava. You're probably Gerald. And you're 14 and your penis looks like the handlebar grips on a midwife's Riley.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

What the nuanced social observer, the postmodern moral philosopher has in place of a position is more a voyeuristic, hand on chin, quizzically smiling anthropological interest in particular sorts of pornography. If in doubt of what that is, there is a helpful index to the left-hand side of most porn sites.

You can choose which ones to take umbrage at. Racial stereotypes for instance. Black men, big cocks. Japanese girls, white socks. Fake lesbian exploitation. Unshaven German creampie Milf compilation.

Most Popular

Porn is no longer either/or. It's sometimes and somethings. But don't let anyone tell you that what you need is to be more open and out about porn, Gerald. Don't ever get lulled into sharing it or watching it with your girlfriend (when you get one) as some sort of foreplay. This is disgusting and unnatural.

Porn has to be solitary, singular, secret and, above all, embarrassing. Nothing ruins pornography for you like someone else cranking one out saying, "Can't we fast forward through this bit? Oh, and the midget's got a willy just like yours."

What do you think?

Culture
Share
Man Who Lived As A Goat For Three Days Wins A (Spoof) Nobel Prize
​​Wait, what?​
iPhone 7
Culture
Share
This Is How Much It Actually Costs Apple To Make An iPhone 7
There's a reason they're worth $624 billion​​
Lego drone
Culture
Share
You Can Now Build Drones With LEGO, If That's The Kind Of Thing You're Into
Finally, technology we can get on board with​​
Film
Share
The 'Power Rangers Movie' Has Just Announced Another Impressive Cast Member
Bill Hader is set to take the role of Alpha 5​
TV
Share
Why The New 'Westworld' Matters
The new version comes out on HBO soon, and the 1973 original is still shaping sci-fi
Mourinho and Wenger
Culture
Share
Jose Mourinho 'Wanted To Break' Arsene Wenger's Face Over Mata Transfer
According to a new book​
Culture
Share
Edward Snowden Just Named An App That You Should Avoid At All Costs
​Google 'Allo' is "surveillance", apparently​
Culture
Share
Count Dracula's Castle Is Up For Sale
​Deep in the Romanian countryside, this towering 12th century fortress inspired Bram Stoker's 1897 novel​
Mourinho and Rooney
Culture
Share
Jose Mourinho Used To Have A Nickname For Wayne Rooney: 'Fat Boy'
​According to a new book​
Culture
Share
The 5 Saddest Video Game Moments Of All-Time
​We'll never forget you Aerith​​