AA Gill On... Pornography

Uncle D,

What's your position on pornography?

Ava, by email

Complaining about pornography is like moaning about the weather, though more fun, with better graphics. We are just surrounded by it. It's bottomless, topless and endless.

It's also very repetitive. Very, very, very repetitive. So I don't have a position on porn. I'm assuming this is a sniggering pun and you're not called Ava. You're probably Gerald. And you're 14 and your penis looks like the handlebar grips on a midwife's Riley.

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What the nuanced social observer, the postmodern moral philosopher has in place of a position is more a voyeuristic, hand on chin, quizzically smiling anthropological interest in particular sorts of pornography. If in doubt of what that is, there is a helpful index to the left-hand side of most porn sites.

You can choose which ones to take umbrage at. Racial stereotypes for instance. Black men, big cocks. Japanese girls, white socks. Fake lesbian exploitation. Unshaven German creampie Milf compilation.

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Porn is no longer either/or. It's sometimes and somethings. But don't let anyone tell you that what you need is to be more open and out about porn, Gerald. Don't ever get lulled into sharing it or watching it with your girlfriend (when you get one) as some sort of foreplay. This is disgusting and unnatural.

Porn has to be solitary, singular, secret and, above all, embarrassing. Nothing ruins pornography for you like someone else cranking one out saying, "Can't we fast forward through this bit? Oh, and the midget's got a willy just like yours."