Hi Ledge. What have you been up to today?
Wassssuuup? Classic. Today? Rolled into the office around 10 still wearing my Stuart Hall shirt, pin stripe slacks and a fanny batter beard. Gave my mate Damo a sloppy French kiss while he was on a sales call about to land a cushty deal and nail a wad of commish. He wasn't best pleased. Bendlord.
Some classic email banter with some of the girls in accounts. Quick ad hoc HR meeting shortly after. Disciplinary. Standard. Shortly going to fire up the battle cruiser and hit AB1 for the boozual. Usually teaming with office clout. £50 and line of Meow on the table for the first one with smelly fingers.
Any style tips for this summer?
A pastel Ralph polo in the 'popped' position is the cornerstone of a legendary steez. Superdry do a great line in Arctic camo which just goes with anything, it's the tits. 'FBI: Female Body Inspector' tee is perfect for a dress-down Friday. Just don't let HR clock you. Daps? Lemon Crocs for casual or squaretoe tan loafers for best. Pair with the Superdry camo and prepare to be fighting them off with a stick. Wraparound white Oakleys: standard.
What music do you think we should be listening to?
I like to mix it right up. "Lager, Lager" by house legends Underground, into classic '70s rock like "Cocks on Fire" by Kings of Leon. Classic House like Outhere Brothers next to DJ Otzi. Also, very few ladies can resist having "HEEEEEEY BAAABY" screamed at top volume, directly into their face in club. Simples.
What about books? You reading anything at the moment?
Straight Up, as anyone will tell you, is THE Danny Dyer autobiography. There's also a classic piece of Ledge literature called The Game, which essentially teaches you to become the Derren Brown of getting nuts deep.
Any romance in the air for you at the moment?
I got Sandra on Babestation to wiggle her arse for a full 3 minutes the other night. She doesn't do that for just anyone. Cost me £42 in phone calls, like. Worth it.
Who is your biggest hero and why?
Danny Dyer. He's won over 8 Oscars but is equally comfortable blowing the roof off an Essex night club with some peak-time bangers.
If you could go on the lash with anyone, past or present, who would it be?
Hard to pick just one fella. Maybe Crouchy, Moylesy, Rooney, and of course Beefy. 100% Solid Gold Brew Crew. We'd get pink polos made with our names on the back. Standard. 10 hours of rejections and ejections around Leeds, pogo-moshing to Kasabian. QUALITY NIGHT OUT. And you just know none of the gang would be afraid of getting their 'nads out in a crowded branch of AB1 in the name of utter comedy gold.
…And if you could spend the night with any lady?
Can I say 'your mum'?
Of course. What is your definition of success?
Once you hit £40k OTE and a company Avensis, you're absolutely smashing it fella.
What's the best piece of advice you ever got?
"Ledge you utter bumlord, no one is ever going to ask to physically hold a copy of your degree certificate. It could say *anything* on there. Think about it." That was my old man.
If you could give Esquire readers ones piece of advice, what would it be?
If you're going to lie about your qualifications, putting 'fluent in Russian' might come back to haunt you one day. Awkward.
Finally, what does the future hold for you?
To continue dominating the sales industry. To continue dominating your mum.