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The List | Bad Bears

The List | Bad Bears

Introducing Ted, plus six other things that look cute but talk ugly. 

Seth MacFarlane is the comedy polymath behind hit cartoons Family Guy and American Dad! (let us never speak of The Cleveland Show).

Now he’s turning to live action cinema with Ted, the touching story of Mark Wahlberg and his childhood best friend, an adorable CGI teddy bear who drinks, smokes pot and swears like a trucker.

Ted is only the latest cutie pie whose cuddly facade belies an undercurrent of filth:

 

1 Michelle Flaherty from American Pie
For a generation of gawky adolescents, Alyson Hannigan’s Michelle Flaherty was a seminal character (hurrr), subverting her sweet geek persona with now legendary explanations of exactly what happened this one time, at band camp…
Sample quote: “I stuck a flute in my pussy!”

 


2 Cartman from South Park
Perhaps Trey Stone and Matt Parker’s most glorious creation, Eric Cartman is an obese, selfish, anti-Semitic and completely amoral eight-year-old.

He once tricked a schoolboy into eating his own murdered parents.

Sample quote: “Hey, don’t call me fat, you fucking Jew!”

 

3 Bad Idea Bears from Avenue Q
Gleefully trampling on our collective Sesame Street memories, the Bad Idea Bears of hit musical Avenue Q are a smiling twosome of snuggly teddies who lovingly dispense the absolute worst advice imaginable.

Sample quote: “You could hang yourself!” “Yeah! We found this really nice rope!”

4 Azealia Banks
Rose to prominence when her unfeasibly catchy tune “212” more or less caused YouTube to explode last year.

She looks as though butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. Her lyrics reveal what will melt in her mouth. Clue: it’s your girlfriend’s vagina.

Sample quote: “I guess that cunt gettin’ eaten”

 

5 You & Me dolls
“Look, honey! We got you some ‘Interactive Play & Giggle Triplet Dolls’! Isn’t that nice! You’ve got a new best friend! Wait - what did that one just say? No! Put it down, sweetie! Don’t listen to the bad doll!”

Bizarrely, these children’s toys really do appear to swear - watch.

Sample quote: “You crazy bitch!”

6 Hit-Girl from Kick-Ass
Typical 11-year-old girls do all manner of things. Slicing off people’s legs whilst meting out gruesome vigilante justice is generally not one of those things.

Nor is language that would make Rab C Nesbitt blush. Hit-Girl isn’t a typical 11-year-old.

Sample quote: “OK you cunts, let’s see what you can do now!”