Remember the days when you used to love first-person shooting games? You know, back when you could still move an inch without some 13-year-old gimp sticking you in the back, dancing on your head and spitting abuse through his headset? Sadly, there’s no hiding from the fact that shooters are designed to be played online, against real people, 13-year-old gimps though they may be.So, as the next super-shooter, Battlefield 3, hits the gaming world, asking you to tool up and save Western civilisation all over again (jeez, you leave Western civilisation alone for five minutes!), we say, enough. It’s time to fight back. Here’s how to smack talk with the worst of them. Ooh-rah!
1 Start as you mean to go on. In the game lobby, waiting for other people to join a match, kick off by insulting a few monikers. Shouting "Happy_Kilmore" in a whiny voice is fine, but for that pro touch, singing works best.
2 Chide anyone packing more than a pistol and flashbangs for being pussies. Question family lineage.
3 Swear. Fucking swear fucking every fucking other fucking word.
4 Be a hypocrite. If others are swearing, ask them to control their foul language as there may be minors listening.
5 Adopt an annoying catchphrase. “Get in the hole!” will do. Overuse it.
6 If someone tells you to shut up, you’re doing great. Step it up at least two notches.
7 Deflect like a sonofabitch. Detract from the fact that you are more than likely upping everyone else’s kill ratio by questioning the experience of others. “We have a level-two noob alert here, people — this guy’s a bomb whore!”
8 Educate. Belittle other players by offering them “helpful advice” – especially if they are better than you.
9 Indulge your creative side. Tell magic_turd precisely where he can go, exactly how he can get there and just what will be done to certain treasured reproductive organs along the way.
10 Keep it up. Smack talk until they have had enough, kick you out, or until the match is over. (You might even get a bit better at the game while you’re at it.)
Battlefield 3 is out now http://www.battlefield.com/battlefield3