1 | Shower cap
One of only two things not to take from a hotel’s complimentary bathroom miniatures.
2 | Emergency sewing kit
The other one.
3 | ‘Going out’ shirt
Yeh, go on, advertise the fact you've never got laid.
4 | Anything built from matchsticks
Or Airfix. Or Scalextric.
5 | Bread maker
Never going to happen - let it go.
6 | Beaded car seat
Unless you’re an unlicensed minicab driver.
7 | A bicycle you lie down on to ride
Slots neatly beneath the axles of a bus.
8 | Fob watch
Do you really want to build your outfit around a centuries old timepiece?
9 | Memorial sculpture dedicated to Lady Di
Or anything bought from the Daily Express classifieds.
10 | Slippers
They go really well with the plastic lining on your sofa.
11 | Bonsai tree
Sign up for an allotment, fool.
12 | Sun-reacting glasses
Paedovision. Enough said.
13 | Mobile phone holster
Yes, even if you are a building contractor.
14 | Small moustache
There are several reasons, but you know the big one.
15 | Crocs
You're neither a career chef or a 'keen' gardener.
16 | Labradoodle
If it’s novelty you want, try an Alsatian with back wheels instead of hind legs.
17 | Wormery
Recycle your rubbish like everyone else.
18 | Dido CD
And clear out David Gray's White Ladder while you're there.
19 | Jewelry you bought while 'travelling'
How do you make a fraying ethnic leather choke chain look even less cool? Pair it with a bad suit.
20 | ‘Lucky’ pants
They’re not lucky. Hence why you've owned them since University.
21 | A restraining order
It smacks of self-control issues.
22 | Chain for your specs
Unless you own a West London antique lighting shop and have silver hair. But that's the only exception.
23 | Peach loo roll
It’s got to be white, white, white. And no, you don't need a 'luxury' texture.
24 | Framed graduation photograph
Wow, you got a 2:2 in Communications. Complete with wrong haircut and dappled backdrop.
25 | A skateboard
Grow up man.
26 | Street caricature of yourself
Didn't turn out as well as his detailed rendering of Brad Pitt now did it?
27 | Matching luggage
And while you're there, lose the sunglasses from the Stansted airport check-in queue too. You're not on holiday yet.
28 | Talcum powder
That's right, advertise the fact you’re a bit sweaty downstairs.
29 | G-Wiz
Who are you, Postman Pat? Get a bike – one you lie down to ride.
30 | Potpourri.