December is a time for hanging out with loved ones, eating way too much and enjoying the overall sense of goodwill radiating from those around us, right? Not if you read these demented fan theories about Christmastime's beloved, fan-favourite movies.
We've rounded up several whoppers that will totally throw you for a loop and give you a new perspective on all your faves. Bottom line: Everyone is low key evil.
1. Home Alone's Kevin McCallister grew up to become Jigsaw
It's no secret Kevin is a diabolical mastermind who thrives on torturing Wet Bandits Marv and Harry. But maybe he was a little too enthusiastic about his booby traps. According to Grantland writer Jason Concepcion, Kevin grew up to become Jigsaw from the Saw series. Both characters' enjoyment of watching others in pain — and their blonde hair, blue eyes — provide evidence to this theory.
2. Santa in The Santa Clause is secretly an exiled wizard from Harry Potter
While this theory can be applied to pretty much any movie or TV Santa Claus, we'll use Tim Allen's, because, c'mon.
Ever wonder how Santa gets his ~magical~ powers? The dude can get through any chimney without any issue. According to Reddit user TheSortingSombrero, Santa's set of special skills is thanks to floo powder from the world of Harry Potter, which would mean Santa himself is a bonafide wizard. He's able to get into houses that don't have chimneys by simply apparating.
The Reddit user also theorises Santa uses an Obliviate charm, which would explain why no one ever actually sees this intruder in their home. Plus, a Time-Turner is the only explanation for how he can make it around the world in just a single night.
But then TheSortingSombrero had to one-up themselves by wondering if Santa is actually an exiled wizard after breaking Clause 73 of the International Statue of Wizarding Secrecy (thanks to performing magic in front of muggles willy-nilly). Therefore, "he has to hide on the North Pole, which is technically in international waters." *Gasp*
3. Buddy in Elf is actually a "sicko" who totally knew what he was doing
Remember the scene in Elf when Jovie took a shower and Buddy happened to waltz into the locker room and just chill while she bathed? The movie played it off like Buddy was such a silly guy when he confessed to Jovie, "I didn't know you were naked."
Batfan54 on Reddit, however, is calling major BS on Buddy's claim. At the beginning of the movie, we see Buddy bathing in an elf-sized shower in the North Pole, clearly naked. The Reddit user didn't mince words when they said, "Buddy, the sicko as he is, was actually trying to peep on [Jovie] while she was in the shower, and played his sick fetish off as innocence and just wanted to sing a Christmas song." Yikes.
4. Home Alone's Polka King of the Midwest is actually the devil.
Another terrifying theory about the beloved family-less comedy focuses on Gus Polinski, aka the Polka King of the Midwest.
Reddit user drewgarr ruined Christmas by claiming Gus is actually the devil in disguise. Remember when Kevin's mum, Kate, tells the airline representative, "If I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son," and then pops up Gus?
Furthermore, Kate is stranded at the Scranton airport, located at a crossroads — which, in mythology, means you can make a deal with the devil in exchange for your soul. Next thing we know, we see Kate riding with Gus and his band of merry polka men to Chicago, ultimately sealing her fate for the sake of her son. Mother of the Year, right there.
5. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a result of infidelity.
Sweet little Rudolph in the 1964 stop-motion classic is theorised to be the illegitimate son of fellow reindeer Donner. After the other reindeer learn about Rudolph's red nose, Santa tells Donner, "You should be ashamed of yourself." But, why? According to one unnamed Reddit user, Donner and some "deer prostitute" apparently hooked up and made Rudolph. All the other reindeer shun Rudolph simply because of his nose, suggesting it's a type of scarlet letter for the shame he displays.
The Reddit user elaborates on their theory: "Rudolph's nose is a constant reminder of his own infidelity. Why do I think it isn't his mum's illegitimate child? Because, aside from Santa's anger at Donner, note Rudolph's 'mum' says, 'Well, we'll simply have to overlook it' after Rudolph's 'birth.' It seems Rudolph's mum is good at 'overlooking' the 'imperfections' of others, including her husband's infidelities." They continue their evidence by comparing Donner bringing illegitimate Rudolph home with Eddard Stark bringing Jon Snow to Winterfell in Game of Thrones. Duuuuude.
6. George's suffering in It's a Wonderful Life is because of Mary's wish.
In the classic film, George speaks his wish aloud in the old Granville house, making it null and void (classic wish rules, don't you know) but Mary keeps her wish a secret. Reddit user truncatedChronologis posits audiences can assume Mary, based on her actions, wishes to wed George and "have him stay forever with her in Bedford Falls."
Throughout the movie, little things continue to keep George firmly planted in Bedford Falls, suggesting Mary's wish does come true because she never revealed it aloud. TruncatedChronologis believes the old Granville house acts as a type of Monkey's Paw, meaning it grants wishes that always result in a twist of fate. (The Monkey's Paw is a short story about owners of a monkey's paw making wishes that come true, but with dastardly consequences.) George's father dying, the stock market crashing, and George nearly committing suicide would be the (super sick) twist in this scenario. Thanks a lot, Mary!
7. Myron Larabee wasn't actually real in Jingle All the Way.
The quirky holiday movie about a dad trying to get his kid the hottest toy for Christmas spends a good portion focusing on a battle between Howard Langston and Myron Larabee. Both want the Turbo-Man toy, but Reddit user GreenCountryTowne argues Myron is a figment of Howard's imagination.
They claim Myron "only shows up at the most stressful moments for Howard ... That's a classic sign of psychosis. Myron also hardly interacts with the outside world. He's clearly a figment of Howard's increasingly disturbed imagination." Have you ever tried to shop for last-minute Christmas presents on a packed high street? It'd stress out even the calmest person and make them slowly lose touch with reality.
8. Frosty the Snowman is a low key demon.
The YouTube channel, ChannelFrederator, calls out the "jolly, happy soul" as being a total fraud. They believe Frosty is "actually a corrupt, soulless demon, created by a bunch of questionably moral kids." Say whaaat?
ChannelFrederator delves into this theory by looking back at the 1950 song on which the TV special was based. We learn Frosty had coal for eyes, it was a hot day (since he, you know, melted/left), and tons of kids witnessed his "coming to life event," as the YouTube channel puts it.
First, why do these naughty kids hang onto their coal from Christmas when it's getting close springtime, based on the weather warming up? Second, it's pretty rare naughty kids actually get coal for Christmas, so these punks had to be super bad — which ChannelFrederator believes is the reason they summoned dark magic to bring Frosty to life.
Plus, remember in the song and TV special when Frosty "only paused a moment when he heard [a police officer] holler, 'Stop!'" Not listening to authority would totally be something a soulless demon would do, right?
