Matt Damon! Buddy! Got a moment? It's nothing big, it's… it's just that we're a bit confused, to be honest mate.
Because we've just watched the trailer for your upcoming "3D science fantasy adventure-monster action epic" The Great Wall and, well…
A few questions, straight off the bat.
1. As a passionate advocate of progressive politics, who's no doubt fearing the prospect of a Donald Trump presidency, was it really necessary to make the biggest piece of 'really big wall' propaganda ever seen? A $160 million ode to really big walls? Now? Matt.
2. What are you doing there in the first place, Matt Damon? At the risk of putting too much trust into Wikipedia, you are not a Chinese man. And why is Oberyn from Game of Thrones there too? Explain yourself.
3. The movie's tagline is "What were they trying to keep out?" But, and again we're putting a lot of faith in Wikipedia here, we're pretty sure it was the Mongolians and other nomadic enemies. Not this weird giant naked mole rat thing.
To be fair to Matt Damon (who at this point in our imaginary conversation has sprinted off in a panic), this isn't the clearest example of Hollywood whitewashing you'll ever find. The Great Wall is being made by a Chinese company (in conjunction with Universal), and all casting decisions were overseen by legendary Chinese director Zhang Yimou.
Apparently there's a huge appetite for Western Hollywood stars in the mainland. You only need to look at the success of Christian Bale in The Flowers of War or Adrien Brody in Jackie Chan's Dragon Blade.
To (probably not) find out the answers to all of these questions, catch The Great Wall in cinemas on 17 February 2017.