How To Be As Cool As Jeff Goldblum, The Coolest Man Alive

Move over Jack Nicholson. Step aside Bill Murray. The world has a new elder statesmen of style, and there is much to learn from him

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Now that Clint Eastwood is way into the whole Trump thing, Jack Nicholson appears to have locked himself inside a halcyon fantasy that centres around the Chateau Marmont circa 1978 and Bill Murray has become a bit 'baked beans down the front of a three-day old grey t-shirt. Oh Bill... not again?', the world is crying out for a new Hollywood silver fox to step forth and be the cult hero we all so desperately want and need.

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That man is Jeff Goldblum.

An irreverent, eccentric bon vivant with a killer dress sense who radiates the kind of natural charm that means he could probably steal your girlfriend from under your nose and you'd thank him for the honour (not that he would... he's Jeff Goldblum), in these morally pestilential times, Goldblum is a tonic for the eyes and soul.

In an extremely thorough breakdown of just what it is that makes him the most charming man in show business (and possibly the world), Esquire gifts unto you the life teachings of Goldblum, so that you too can enjoy some of that vintage shine.

Age Gracefully...

On the left: Goldblum in 1992, on the right: Jeff Goldblum in 2017. F*ck nature.

Despite being a genetically-gifted dude from the start, Jeff Goldblum still embodies that futile desire all men possess to somehow end up ageing like a strong, charming and distinguished Italian man about town - as opposed to a gnarled old toe sat alone in the pub having pushed away all they held dear thanks to an inability to reconcile with their faults and toxic weaknesses.

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Jeff Goldblum is the former. Be more like Jeff.

And don't forget to moisturise.

...But don't dress your age

It goes against every commonly-held belief of age-appropriate dressing, but Jeff Goldblum, at 65, is one of the most stylish men in the world when he puts on his signature black leather biker jacket.

Despite being an item associated with the young and the bold, Jeff gets away with it for two reasons.

1.) It fits perfectly

2.) He's tall and slim.

While we can't help you with the height thing, one skill in particular that you should try to take from Jeff's wardrobe is his eye for quality pieces that feel fresh regardless of decade. Whether it's the slim chinos, white socks, penny loafers or Saint Laurent jacket, Goldblum shuns the transient and embraces the finely-cut classics.

He even suits a fedora! Although we recommend approaching that particular item with (a huge amount of) caution.

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Your Jeff Goldblum Style Starter Pack

Hat, £185 by Anderson & Sheppard; Long-sleeve Polo Shirt, £180 by Paul Smith; Socks, £25 by Wacko Maria; Chinos, £185 by Private White V.C.; Loafers, £540 by Gucci; Jacket, £765 by Beams Plus, all available at mrporter.com

Be An Internet Cult Hero

The famous Goldfingerblum statue in London. #oddjob #dayjob #goldblumjeffgoldblum #jurassicpark5

A post shared by Jeff Goldblum (@jeffgoldblum) on

The internet's favourite eccentric uncle, rather than the one you have in real life who lives in Cambridge and gives you a WH Smith voucher for Christmas every year, Jeff Goldblum's natural idiosyncrasies - the myriad facial expressions and impossibly cheerful demeanour - have made him a prime candidate for his own genre of Viral Memes.

Observe.

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Oh, and there's also the fact that Jeff Goldblum has come up with his own rating system that consists of ranking things out of a possible 10 Goldblums. Like in this Entertainment Weekly interview.

Incredible.

Talk Like A Leading Man

We have absolutely no idea what's going on here, but we do know that Jeff Goldblum's honeyed timbre is disarming enough to convince even Bill Gates to ditch the PC and become an Apple fanboy.

1998: a simpler time.

Know How To Dress Up Like A Boss

If you don't own a silver dress shirt and black and white contrasting penny loafers then we have nothing to say to you right now.

Have A Fallback Talent

"I'm actually a very accomplished jazz pianist."

"Sure you are, Jeff."

"No, honestly, I play in a band and everything. I wooed my wife with an immaculate rendition of 'Blue Monk' at the Rockwell in L.A."

"Right. Like how George Bush is an 'artist', James Franco is an 'author' and Mark Zuckerberg is a 'human being?'"

"...."

"Damnit, Goldblum!"

Acknowledge Your Mortality With Intelligence And Dignity

Talking to Esquire about what he's learned over the years, Goldblum ended the interview with a tenderly existential quote about the impermanence of life on this improbable blue orb.

"All stories end. There's something fleeting about all form. This table here is crumbling, if you look at it for long enough. The planet will go. The sun will go out. That's the story of the universe, and we're a part of it."

A bit dusty in here isn't it, Jeff?