The 2014 Alternative Oscars

Ahead of this week's nominations, here's our (marginally) less predictable version

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Least Likely to Have Made It Through the Astronaut Career Profiling Stage
George Clooney in Gravity. "You just point the (space shuttle) at Earth. It's not rocket science."

Crushingly Bad Choice For A Date Movie Despite The Title
Amour.

The Cry Wolf Award For Is This Really His Return To Form? (We’ve Been Hurt Before)
Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine. This time it really, nearly, almost is.

Most Frequent Watch Checks In A Single Cinema Visit Since Lincoln
Cloud Atlas. Though Tom Hanks' array of unintelligible accents helped us through.

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The Hats Off For Your Slightly Crazy Career Turn Award
Scarlett Johansson for her unflattering but kind of brilliant turn in Glasgow-set Under The Skin, and as a faceless but sexy operating system in Her.

Futuristic Fashion Trend We’re Least Looking Forward to Following
The high-waisted trousers in Spike Jonze’s futuristic LA in Her.

Token Pat on the Head For Those Plucky Brits
Dame Judi Dench in Philomena. The Academy must think she’s in every film we make.

Most Popular

Greatest Career Progression Built Around One Single Expression of Benign Confusion
Martin Freeman, From Slough to Middle Earth.

Best Script Without Dialogue
All Is Lost.

Best Fight Scenes Possibly Ever
Man Of Steel. Who said you can't be original in action movies.

Throwaway One-Liner Of The Year
"By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!" from Anchorman 2.

Lifetime Achievement Award For Building A Career Around Impressive Weight Gain/ Loss
Christian Bale, American Hustle.

Best Attempt At Recreating The Swearing of Don Logan In Sexy Beast
Jude Law in Dom Hemingway. A fine effort but Sir Ben Kingsley's master swearer status is safe for now.

The Michael Fassbender Hard To Avoid Actor of The Year
Benedict Cumberbatch. Liable to pop up in your next home movie.

The “Ok, Can Somebody Please Arrange An Intervention For This Guy” Award
Adam Sandler in Grown Ups 2.

Best Reminder Of Why You’ve Always Been A Student of French Cinema
Blue Is The Warmest Colour and Jeune et Jolie.

 

Most Self-Indulgent Hollywood In-Movie You Should Probably Resent But Can’t Help Liking
This is The End.

The Peel Back Your Fingers, Phew It Wasn’t A Car Crash After All Award
Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa.

The Prometheus Award For How Could They Bring Together So Much Talent And Forget About The Script
The Counsellor. Proof that it's best to give a first-time screenwriter some help - even if it is Cormac McCarthy.

Dialogue You Can Only Get Away With In a Ryan Gosling Movie
"If you ride like lightning, you're gonna crash like thunder" in Place Beyond The Pines.

The Surprisingly More Annoyingly Talented Than We Originally Thought Award
Joseph Gordon Levitt, Writer/Director/Star of Don Jon. Honourable mention for Hugh Jackman's intense performance in Prisoners.

Most Overworked Make-Up Department
The team behind the older Mandela in Long Walk To Freedom.

Thanks Alot For Being There (Alot) Award
Amy Adams in Man of Steel, American Hustle and Her.

The ‘Please Can These Two Just Let It Go Now (For All Our Sakes)’ Award
Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy in Before Midnight.

Best Supporting Moustache
Joaquin Pheonix’s Selleck-esque face furniture in Her.