My mother calls me Matthew when I’m in trouble. Matthew Steven if it’s really bad.
I’m not a workaholic. I like being a dad. Right now my daughter is 10 years old; she’s still a little girl and she wants me around. She’s going to be a teenager soon and tell me to go fuck myself. Then maybe I’ll work more.
I can’t believe that my nose has never been broken. I got into fights as a teenager and I’ve been sucker-punched in bars. Some guy’s girlfriend will say, “Oh, there’s Joey from Friends”. Then the guy has to come over and prove himself by smacking me in the mouth.
Measure twice. Cut once.
My manscaping regime? Do I shave my balls, is that what you’re asking? I just let nature take its course. When it gets out of control, I’ll trim it.
Gary Oldman is great. That’s someone who can be super-dramatic or really funny. He’s like the Swiss army knife of actors.
I can order in a sushi place. “Toro” is the fatty part of the tuna belly.
There’s been a lot of untruths printed about me. There was a rumour that I died of a drug overdose in a nightclub; there were rumours that I was gay; that I fucked this girl and fucked that girl. I’ve heard it all. Sometimes there’s a bit of truth in it, sometimes it’s completely fabricated. There was another rumour that I was in rehab. Complete bullshit. Whether I should go to rehab or not is a different story...
Invest conservatively. Only be risky with five per cent of your money.
We film some exterior scenes for Episodes in LA but for the most part it’s shot in England, so I’m over here quite a lot. I love fish and chips. Can’t get my head around a Guinness, though. Or tea. I’ve picked up a few phrases. Slapper. Twat. Tosser. Mostly words, not phrases.
If you’re castrating a bull, don’t cut your hand and try not to get kicked.
My political views are irrelevant. I have my opinions but it’s not my business to voice them because I’m not in the public eye as a lawmaker or a politician. I’m an entertainer.
I don’t like dishonesty. I don’t like the paparazzi. I don’t like asparagus.
It’d be nice to quit smoking. Some days, I only have a couple of cigarettes, other days it’s a couple of packs. Have I ever smoked weed? Yeah. Recently? I haven’t smoked it today.
I’m 5ft 10ins. I tried to model and got told pretty much straight away that I was too short. So that didn’t pan out.
Becoming a father changes your perspective on everything. I learned that I could function on less sleep; I never realised how patient I could be; I never realised that I had the capacity to love another person as much as I love her. Fantastic pride. It’s a very primal thing. You get this feeling of, “Wow, this is why we’re here. You know, to procreate.”
A hammer is fun because it can be used to build or break.
The Stig has an office and that’s the only place he’s allowed to take off his helmet. When I was on Top Gear, I never saw his face.
The first band I ever saw live was Cheap Trick. I was 13, 14 — something like that. Rick Nielsen had that guitar with five necks and he used to throw picks out into the audience. One landed right in front of me and there was this mad rush to get it. Then over the music, I could hear screaming. Me and my buddy started pulling people back to get to the bottom of the pile and there was this small girl with a sneaker imprint on her cheek. Someone had stepped on her but she didn’t care because she got the pick.
I don’t like to be in the ocean that much; I feel like shark bait. Maybe that’s because when I was a kid I saw Jaws. I’m alright in a lake.
I’ve got used to being well-known. It’s something you grow into. When you first put that suit on it doesn’t fit right so you might rip it or stretch it. After a while it wears in and gets comfortable. You lose your anonymity but you can get a table at a great restaurant at short notice.
I was raised Catholic, so I guess I believe in God. I haven’t been to church in a while but I do pray. I’ve been to confession. Not lately, but I haven’t done anything that I feel I need to go to for.
The best taste in the world is probably Jameson whiskey.
Friends was a pretty big show and it still is. I mean, it’s on all the time. Now there’s a younger generation that’s getting introduced to it. They’ll come up and say, “You’re Joey! You’re so old!” That’s a little unkind, but they were just watching it and I was 26. Now my hair’s grey...
I’m an optimist for sure. The glass is always half full. I would have been happy whatever I did. I might not have had as fast a car but what are you going to do?
Be nice. Nobody likes an asshole.