The Annual Esquire Alternative Oscars: 2015 Edition

Ahead of this week's nominations, here's our (marginally) less predictable version of the movie industry's back-slapathon

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The No Stone Unturned In Dogged Pursuit Of An Oscar Nomination nomination
Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher. Comedian playing straight, with a mental illness, wearing prosthetics. Check, check, check.

Most Hastily Googled Soundtrack Since Drive
James Newton Howard’s brilliant score for Nightcrawler.  

Surprising Reminder That Action Movies Still Have The Capability To Surprise
The slow-mo scene in X Men: Days Of Future Past. Pure cinema for two memorable minutes.


 
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The Clive Owen Inexplicable Career Handbrake Award
Forest Whittaker. From The Last King Of Scotland to a detective in Taken 3. Time to switch agents?

Meryl Streep Of The Year
Julianne Moore.

The John Travolta Back From The Brink Award
Ed Norton in Birdman. And he’s possibly never been better.


 

Most Unconvincing Holding Of A Gun Since Roger Moore Award
Dan Stevens, A Walk Among The Tombstones. More contenders here.

Most Popular

The What Was That Guy In Again? Award
JK Simmons, perennial cameo specialist. You’re probably thinking of this.

Most Terrifying Blowjob In Cinema History
Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl. Mankind squirmed as one.

Smuggest Film Since Film Was Invented And The Word Smug Entered The Dictionary
The truly ghastly Hector And The Pursuit Of Happiness.

The Honorary Ray Winstone Award For Wild Inconsistency In The Use Of Accents
Tom Hardy’s turn as a Welsh cement expert in Locke, just pips Tom Hardy’s Brooklyn simpleton in The Drop.

The Nicolas Cage Award For Angriest Actor In A supporting Role
Ice Cube’s rants, tantrums and glares in 22 Jump Street take some beating.

Best Go Back To The Day Job
Jay Z, producer of Annie. Never again, please.

Most Misleading Title Of The Year
A Most Violent Year. More camel coats than mob killings.

The Eton v Harrow Prize For Drama
Redmayne beats Cumberbatch this time round but they’ll be battling this one out for years, possibly decades.

Best Use Of Food Porn To Fill Up Large Plot Holes
That Texas barbecue scene in Chef. Almost distracted us from the complete absence of a storyline.

The Michael Fassbender Omnipresence Award
Jessica Chastain.

Special Recognition For Services To Extreme Male Grooming
The cast of Exodus. Between Bale’s beard, Turturro’s eye-liner and Edgerton’s manscara, this one could have been sponsored by Superdrug.

The Torso Shot to Make You Put Your Popcorn And Pepsi Down In Shame
Brad Pitt in Fury. And he’s 50-goddamn-1.

Most Allergic Response To Clothing
Eva Green’s perennially naked turn in 300: Rise Of An Empire. We're not complaining.

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MORE OSCARS:

The Nominations In Full
Who We Think Should Win
Film Moments Of 2014 
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