50 Shades Of Grey: What It Can Teach You About Women

Top tips on extreme dating from Fifty Shades of Grey’s don of control-freakery

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Women you’ve just met adore thinly veiled chat about your sexual sins.
Do as Christian Grey, the sexually dominant hero of Fifty Shades of Grey does when he first meets naïve virgin Anastasia Steele, played in director Sam Taylor-Johnson’s big-screen adaptation by Dakota Johnson. She’s just meekly crept into his office to interview the billionaire CEO for her student mag, and he’s using the opportunity to lay it on thick with barely concealed sex chat at every turn. “Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,” he replies to a question about his charitable work in Darfur. After that, it’s a pretty seamless journey to S&M town.

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It helps if you are good looking.
If you want to introduce your date to the joys of bondage, it’s good if you’re handsome as hell. In Fifty Shades, Ana agrees to become the sexual submissive of a man who “looks like a male model in a pose for a glossy, high-end magazine”. In the film, Grey is played by a former male model, Jamie Dornan, who posed in glossy, high-end magazines (including this one). Which might explain why she takes so well to being bossed about so much.

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Not a male model? Hope lies in an unspecified expensive body wash.
Even if your date might be hesitant about spanking, win her over with a stimulating shower gel. Every time Ana’s about to call time on caning-as-foreplay, she gets a whiff of Christian Grey’s “expensive body wash” and is on all fours. In the book, she’s not exactly strong on detail so you’ll have to work out what it might be for yourself. (it's likely not Dove for Men Extra Fresh.)

Chicks crave spontaneity. So stalk her.
Surprise your girl with a visit to her workplace, even if she hasn’t disclosed where that is. Better still if her part-time job is at a hardware store into which you can waltz to order up a selection of cable ties, masking tape and five yards of filament rope. “Are you redecorating?” she’ll ask, wholly unaware that two weeks later she’ll be strung up with cable wires having the time of her life in your Red Room of Pain. Atta girl.

Non-disclosure agreements are the new foreplay.
She’ll understand the need for lawyers went she gets a load of the playroom, a citrus smelling, softly lit spot with a large X on the far wall and an 8ft-square iron grid on the ceiling from which hangs a selection of ropes, chains and shackles. Best if she can keep all these paddles, whips, riding crops and canes your special little secret and sign here…

…And contracts are sexy as hell.
Paperwork has been the missing spark from your far-from sizzling sex life. Do as impossibly good-looking Christian Grey does and draft the dos and don’ts of your dominant–submissive sex games and she’ll be all heart-eyed emojis. Or at the very least tied to a wall.

Ladies go wild for email.
Email is the prime form of sex correspondence between Grey and Steele and the forum for flirting, foreplay and spelling out exactly what you want to do in the bedroom. Send her the full dictionary definition of submissive so she can bat back by compromise. It’s like Snapchat never happened.

Date five: take her to the STI clinic.
There’s no two ways of spinning this so just tell her: you’ve had such a wonderful night of passion together you’d like to take the relationship to the next level and get her checked out for the clap. Also [tiny voice], you’d quite like to watch.

Size does matter - especially in ceiling-to-window ratios.
Ana digs “considerable length” in both the trouser and window department. Even if you’re short on the former, distract her with floor-to-ceiling windows in every room you romance her. Other tips: blindfold her; pop on the cuffs; rule out touching.

Girls are turned on by mummy issues
To get her into bed, go all Freudian. Happily for Christian Grey, he’s all over that. His adoptive mother doesn’t do physical contact. His birth mother was a “crack whore”. And some nice lady seduced him at 15 and turned him into her adolescent sex slave. Emotional baggage is the new GSOH. Would madam like to step this way?

Fifty Shades of Grey is out on 13 February

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