The Alternative Oscars

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Billy Crystal hosted - again. Meryl Streep won - again. And The Artist swept up anything else going. So here's a (slighty) less predictable antidote to Sunday's awards. 


Best Working Title That Someone Forgot to Actually Work On
Cowboys and Aliens

Most Gradual Career Transformation into Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Matt Damon

Most Meaningful Cultural Commentary That Sounds Like a Straight-to-DVD Heist Thriller (Possibly Starring Nicholas Cage)
Inside Job

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Coolest Film Wardrobe Nobody Else Should Try To Pull Off Outside Of a Film. Ever
Ryan Gosling, Drive

(picture via

More evidence here.

And Most Hastily Googled Song From A Film Soundtrack
“Nightcall” by Kavinsky, from Drive. Admit it. You needed to find out before the film was over.

The Nicholas Hoult Award for Most Competent Performance from an ex-Skins Cast Member
Kaya Scodelario, Wuthering Heights. A gritty reimagining of a Brontë period piece? Recipe for disaster. As it turns out, better than average.

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Title That You Swear Would Have Jennifer Aniston in a Lead Role, But Doesn’t
I Don’t Know How She Does It

Most Surprising Lack of Effort in a Screenplay, Even by Sequel Standards
The Hangover Part II

Most Surprising Effort Required in a Screenplay, Especially by Silent Standards
The Artist

Most Disappointing Al Pacino Career Decision Since... The Last One
Jack & Jill. The moment when Al Pacino, playing a character named ‘Al Pacino’, performs a rap about Dunkin’ Donuts - and throws in lines from Dog Day Afternoon.

Most Exhausted Physical Trademark
Johnny Depp’s bewildered reaction shots in Pirates of the Caribbean. You know the ones.

Best Use of Slow Pans, Moody Lighting and Unintelligible Dialogue in Dogged Pursuit of an Oscar Nomination
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy


Most Thinly-Veiled, Why-The-Hell-Don’t-You-Just-Run-For-Office Personal Manifesto
George Clooney, Ides of March. Because Clooney actualisation has to be more than dating a model-slash-pro-wrestler and playing pretend President.

Lifetime Achievement for Typecast Excellence in Tough-Girl Tanktops
Michelle Rodriguez

Biggest Waste of Emma Stone
Friends With Benefits. Literally never seen again after dumping Justin Timberlake in the opening scene. Sure, we do get 108 minutes of Mila Kunis. But still.

Best Girlfriend-friendly Film Name That Actually Suits You Better

Latest Unsuccessful Attempt At Playing Woody Allen (In A Woody Allen Movie)
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris.

Most Outstanding Group Vomiting Scene since Team America
Bridesmaids. “It’s coming out of me like lava!”

Lifetime Achievement for Milking a Franchise Even Drier Than Tatooine
George Lucas

Most Irresponsible Use of Sartorial Cliché
George Clooney’s shirt, The Descendants. Yeah, we get it - he’s in Hawaii.

Words by Adam Baidawi and Will Hersey

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