15 Of Woody Allen's Funniest One-Liners

As the comedy master turns 85, here are some of his best wisecracks

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1 "I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

2 ''What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

3 "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."

4 "It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

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5 "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

6 "I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

7 "80 percent of success is showing up."

8 "Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither if you have cholseterol over 600."

9 "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

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10 "That sex was the most fun I've ever had without laughing."

11 "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

12 "Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

13 "He had been mistaken several times for Robert Redford, but on each occasion it had been by a blind person."

14 "Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name."

15 "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
 

If you still want more, this rarely seen video of Woody Allen doing stand up in London 50 (yes, FIFTY) years ago is 10 minutes well spent, and even features a mention of Esquire magazine at 4:44, not that we're name-dropping or anything: