What’s up, world! I’m Derek Zoolander, and I identify as a male model. Nice d’meet you! This is so cool, literally all I have to do is say stuff with my mouth and then a guy from Esquire magazine types it out on his laptop, so I can say anything I want and it becomes the article. Duuuuuuuuh. Beep! Beep duuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh! See? Amazing! Hi! Hi again! Yay! Here we go with… this? So. Um, I don’t totally get what I’m supposed to do? Am I interviewing myself? Oh man. This is really hard… Maybe don’t read this part of the magazine...? Just look at the pictures and throw it away?
What have I learned? Well, with all due respect to myself, not a lot. And I say that with complete humidity. I was never really a “school” guy, and also never a “learn from my mistakes and life experiences” guy, neither. I keep my brain empty for the runway and it’s worked out just fine. After all, I don’t pretend to think people don’t look to me for my smartness — they can go to Wikipedia or BuzzFeed if they want to learn something. They look to me for my perfect facial symmetry and a body that would make Leonardo DiCaprio’s “David” weep with jealousyI can proudly say that I’ve never “read” a book, but I can balance one on my head and walk for miles — and when you think about it, which is more useful? Right?
They made a documentary about me! You might have heard of it — Zoolander? It became one of the most important documentaries since Steamboat Willie alerted the masses to the plight of the working mouse. Zoolander has never gotten its due, but in my opinion it’s right up there with documentaries like The Thin Blue Line, Errol Morris’s varicose vein expose, Fahrenheit 911, Michael Moore’s shocking indictment of the thermometer industry, and, of course, Food, Inc... I forgot what that was about.
I’m basic! I’m a young, hip model so hanging out with millennials is what I do. The other day as I was casually Netflix-and-chilling with my #squad and accomplishing all of our #squadgoals which involved getting “turnt” to a truly #IDGAF degree, some of my friends started calling me “basic”! This must mean “cool” because my bros are so down with me and would never H8! I’m basic and proud! It’s chill and all good! OK bae, I’m “out”. I’m going to go take a #Lyft 2 #lunch, so check out the #foodselfies on my #socialmedias! And here’s
a message to the H8rs — don’t H8, Appreci8, (your #cray #blessed lyfe!) #iwokeuplikethis #jealousmuch? #EMOJIS
Some shampoo smells sooooo good! But don’t eat it. It’ll just taste like soap!
Modelling is just more detailed acting. Acting is a lot like life — easy. Anyone can do it, because it’s just lying in other people’s clothes. Daniel Day-Lewis was great in Lincoln Lawyer, but put the guy in a Peter Pan collar and white clamdiggers and, well, there’s just no “there” there. And most actors think too much about all sorts of stuff. To model well, your face has to be a blank canvas for people to project their own feelings of jealousy and envy onto.
Each pore of my face is a world of nothingness to explore. It’s the kind of thing someone like Matthew McConaughey, as competent a surfer/actor as he is, could never do — except when he played Abraham Lincoln. That was uncanny.
I’m back. I’m back! That’s what they tell me anyways. In my opinion, I never left. I’ve been in “the lab”, working on many new looks, including variations on Blue Steel (Blue Iron, Green Copper, Gold Gold), as well as Ferrari, Jaguar, Sanskrit, Pacifico, Mr Jazz, Arctic Char, Picasso, The Stare, The Glare, Eclaire, Gonzo, Rain Forest, Cauldron, Deppscarf, Abracadabralifornia, Slackjaw, Arson, Ghost Ship, Chupacabra, Trillionaire, Breakfast Breeze and, of course, the look I’m sporting for this magazine portrait. Can you guess what it is?*
Being really, really, ridiculously good-looking is really, really, ridiculously hard. This is a thing that is often hard for the regular-looking, and especially the ugly, to understand. Sometimes I just feel like this gorgeous, sexy, internationally famous prisoner, being tortured at Sean John-omo Bay just for looking amazing.
I’ve never been photoshopped. Thanks!
I believe that children are the future. Of modelling. The way trends are looking right now, the next wave of supermodels will be toddlers. Think about it. They’re twice as young, twice as photogenic, and just as mean. Sure, babies are younger, but they’re way too fat for print, so toddlers it is. They’ll work for cheap (they don’t know what money is about) and throw half the number of temper tantrums of the average adult model. They’re perfect, and they’re coming for us. Start being fake-nice to them now.
Models are the most important people on earth. It’s true.
I eat tiny food. I’m on the Tiny Diet. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, as long as it’s tiny. This way I get all the flavour of my favourite foods, and a tiny amount of calories. Every morning I have my breakfast — a microbagel, small lox and two hummingbird eggs. Adorable! Lunch is usually a tiny turkey sandwich, chip crumbs and a nanopickle. And there’s also a lot of stuff that’s already tiny! Raisins for example, are a tiny food. Cool! Anything goes, as long as it’s tiny! One word of warning though — doll food tastes like pencil erasers!
I’m not allowed to drive! They won’t let me. How do you drive there for the driving test if you can’t drive already? Whatevz!!!
If you look good, you feel good. This is settled science. Everyone knows it. Look at yourself in the mirror. Is your skin at its best? Are your ’brows “on fleek”? Are your eyeballs level? If they’re not, you may not know it, but you’ve never felt good. You’re lying to yourself and others.
What’s my runway secret? I pretend I’m animals. Whether it’s a tiger, lion or the humble, sexy raccoon, when I’m on the runway I am thinking to myself: “Right foot, left foot, right, left, right, I’M A LION! Right, left, turn and pause, one-two-three, turn and pause, one-two-three, right, left, slithering SNAKE! Ssssssssss! Right, left, meow! Left, right, left, RAC-COON NOISE! Beware the masked garbage bandit of the night! Right, left,” and so on. The rest you’ll have to figure out on your own. I’m not giving away ALL my secrets!
Coffee enemas are delicious. And they wake you up, too!
Portrait by Michael Mueller