On the off chance Leo doesn't win his Oscar this year, here is a good reason not to feel too sorry for him: the contents of the Academy Awards goody bags.
In order to make sure the rest of world feels as bitter as possible, gift company Distinctive Assets have revealed what those nominated in the main acting and directing categories (sit down Best Soundtrack guys, you don't get a thing) can expect to have shoved in their hand as they stumble drunkenly out of Hollywood's Dolby Theatre on 28 February.
Dwarfing last year's $125k pat on the back, will be (deep breath):
• A 10-day, first-class trip to Israel ($55,000)
• A year's worth of unlimited Audi car rentals from Silvercar ($45,000)
• A 15-day walking tour of Japan ($45,000)
• 3 private training sessions with 'celebrity wellness expert' and star of ABC's My Diet Is Better Than Yours, Jay Cardiello ($1,400)
• Ultherapy—a laser skin-tightening procedure courtesy of 740 Park MD ($5,530)
• A Lifetime supply of skin creams from Lizora ($31,200)
• A Fit Club TV 'Ultimate Fitness Package' in a private villa ($6,250)
• A Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer ($249.99)
• An Arouser sex toy, which offers gentle suction and simulation (females only) ($200)
• A 'vampire' breast lift which uses 'blood derived growth factors' to enhance breasts without implants ($1,900)
Admittedly we could take or leave the vampire breasts and sex toy, but the rest has left us suitably bereft we didn't build on that extremely well-received turn in our 1989 school nativity play.