The Annual Esquire Alternative Oscars: 2016 Edition

A (slightly) less predictable version of the biggest award show on earth

More From Oscars 2016
11 articles
Morgan Freeman Grabs A Cookie Then Gets The Hell...
Chris Rock Oscars 2016
The Best Jokes From Chris Rock's Historic Oscars...
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What Leo Wins Even If He Doesn't Win

Award For Successful Completion Of Tough Mudder

Leonardo Di Caprio (The Revenant)

Closest Imitation Of An Episode Of Spooks 

The final 10 minutes of Spectre

The Ok, We Can Stop being Surprised That He Can Do More Than Comedy 

Steve Carrell (The Big Short)

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Lifetime Achievement Award For Playing The Affable Good Guy

Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight

Best Flip-Flops In A Supporting Role

Josh Brolin, (Sicario)

Best Performance In A Press Junket

Tom Hardy (Mad Max: Fury Road)

Worst Line Of Dialogue In An Oscar-Nominated Film

"I'm going to science the shit out of this!", Matt Damon (The Martian)

Leading Use Of Tom Hanks In A Tom Hanks Vehicle

Bridge
Of Spies

Shared Oscar For A Dull Premise Not Quite Rescued By A Bankable Star

'Man invents computer' (Steve Jobs)

'Woman invents mop' (Joy)

Best Supporting Goatee

 Joel Edgerton (The Gift)

Most Giddily-Reviewed Film By Film Critics On The Tube Home From The Premiere Who Probably Now Cringe Thinking About Handing Out Those 5-Stars 

Spectre

Award For Giving Us A New Found Respect For The Bow And Arrow As A Deadly Weapon

The Revenant

Latest Unsuccessful Attempt At Playing Woody Allen In A Woody Allen Movie

Joaquin Pheonix (Irrational Man)

Tensest Traffic Jam

Sicario

The 'Jesus Is That Really Mark Hamill!?' Award 

Mark Hamill, (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

Best Supporting 3D Penis

Love

The Pretend To Enjoy It Award 

Macbeth

The Pretend Not To Enjoy It Award 

Mission Impossible: Rouge Nation

The Annual Failed Attempt To Do A 'Raging Bull' Award

Southpaw  

Best Use Of Slow Pans And Cinematography To Distract You From Massive Plotholes: Sicario

Best Use Of Beautifully Coats And Cinematography To Distract You From Absence Of A Compelling Storyline

A Most Violent Year

Best Michael Corleone Impression In A Movie About Oil Financing 

Oscar Isaacs (A Most Violent Year)


Most Urgent Need Of A Career Intervention Before His Legacy Is Toast

 Robert De Niro, (Dirty Grandpa)

Best Original Soundtrack

The Doof Warrior, (Mad Max: Fury Road)

What do you think?

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The 9 Most Shocking Oscar Results Of All Time
The least worthy winners and losers in the Academy's history
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Tom McCarthy: 'I Want This To Be A Rallying Call'
The Spotlight director on the Oscars, Mark Ruffalo and why journalism needs help
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The Big Short: How To Make A Comedy About The Financial Crisis
Oscar-nominated writer-director Adam McKay explains how he pulled it off
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Mark Ruffalo Steps Into The Spotlight
The Oscar hopeful on fame, selfies and his latest acclaimed role
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Oscars 2016: The Nominees List
Who's up for the biggest awards in film
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JJ Abrams Interview: "It Feels Incredible To Be Involved In This At All"
We asked the man behind The Force Awakens how he pulled it off
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Watch DiCaprio Fight A Bear
And more in the new trailer for The Revenant