Top five British blockbusters that never were

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This week, less than a year after the coalition closed the UK Film Council, the Prime Minister  announced that the government will be helping British film producers “make commercially successful pictures”, meaning a film will only be as good as the money it makes. With Hollywood churning out a constant stream of sequels, prequels and remakes, we thought we’d offer the new initiative a hand by giving some iconic Brit flicks the Hollywood makeover: 

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1 Hunger

Synopsis: Bobbi Sands (Miley Cyrus) is starving. But the prom is just three weeks away and she has to lose ten pounds if she wants to become promqueen, win that crown and the boy of her dreams. Living in a small town where cheese is considered a vegetable, she’s got her work cut out. Can she lose the weight without losing who she is inside?
Tagline: Bobbi Sands will go down in history, if she can just avoid those brownies…
New title: Hungry for Love

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2 Kes

Synopsis: Computer programmer Billy Casper (Ryan Gosling) is going nowhere fast. Still living at home with an abusive father (Sean Penn) and bullying brother (Joaquin Phoenix) his dead-end job does little to ease thepain of a monotonous life. But when he stumbles upon a secret file at work named “Kes”, a file no-one was meant to see, he finds himself embroiled in a world of corruption, lies and murder. With the help of the office temp (Jessica Alba), Billy tries to discover the truth about “Kes” and in turn, himself.
Tagline: They broke his heart. But they couldn’t break his hard drive.
New title: Filename: KES

 

3 Withnail and I

Synopsis: Two CIA agents, known only as “Withnail” (Ben Affleck) and “I” (Matt Damon), are reluctantly paired to try and discover a mole within the agency. Following the trail of dirty money and dead bodies will take them right to the heart of the British countryside, as they track down the traitor, “Uncle Monty” (Kevin Spacey). Marred by alcohol dependency, drug addiction and a penchant for Shakespearian monologues, can the two stay off the sauce long enough to bring Monty down?
Tagline: They’re on a mission by mistake.
New title: Withnail & I Will Hunt You Down

 

4 This is England

Synopsis: Fourteen-year-old Shaun idolises next-door neighbour Woody (Zac Efron) who’s everything he wants to be when he grows up: handsome, athletic and (above all) great with the ladies. So when Woody and his friends set off on a road trip to Miami for Spring Break, Shaun decides to tag along. When the gang discover the stowaway, leader Combo (Zack Galifinakis) takes Shaun under his wing to teach him everything he knows about life, love and recreational drug use.
Tagline: He’s a young kid. He's had a bad week. So he’s going to Miami for a damn good time
New title: This Is Miami

 

5 Secrets and Lies

Synopsis: Harry (Taylor Lautner) has just gotten into Harvard. Gorgeous girlfriend, 1st choice Quarterback, life is pretty sweet. Until he discovers he was adopted 18 years ago. Determined to get to the bottom of it, he goes to visit his biological family down in a tiny town in Mississippi. Landing at the trailer park, he is more than surprised to meet his dad, Larry (Will Ferrell). Add to that his stripping aunt Sally (Leslie Mann) and ex-con half brother Larry Jr (Danny McBride), and it isn’t long before Harry is looking for the first flight outta there.

Tagline: You can't choose your family, but you can avoid them at all costs
New title: My Big Fat Redneck Family

 

 

 

Words by Sophie Tighe