The Batman V Superman Reviews Are Far More Entertaining Than The Actual Film

And - unlike the film - they won't take two and a half hours to get through

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Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice sucks! Just about everyone hates it. But we already kinda knew that was gonna be the case from the shitty title and mostly absurd concept. So what are the critics saying—you know, those people who matter way less than dollar signs? Not good things, but, at least very funny things:

"Oof, Lex Luthor is a drag. Jesse Eisenberg preens and over-enunciates and waxes crazily pedantic, like no one told him he's not in a Sorkin movie anymore; his method of conveying Brilliant Insanity is to make as though he just ingested touring funk band quantities of cocaine."—Deadspin

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"Directed by Zack Snyder, of faithfully butchered Watchmen fame, Batman V Superman takes a title fight kids of all ages have been speculating about for decades—costumed titan from the cosmos, meet costumed vigilante from the city—and invests it with all the fun of a protracted custody battle."—A.V. Club

"The studio has, in the usual way, begged and bullied critics not to reveal plot points, and I wouldn't dream of denying you the thrill of discovering just how overstuffed and preposterous a movie narrative can be."—The New York Times

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"Not as bad as Bush v. Gore, but close."—Chicago Reader

"Gotham City is actually Jersey City. Or maybe it's Hoboken. Whatever, it's right across the river from Metropolis/Manhattan, which makes sense in this movie, because Cavill's Superman is one of those graceful 1-percenters with no body fat and hand-tailored outfits that not even a nuclear warhead can wrinkle. He doesn't sweat, whereas you just know Affleck's Batman has a bad case of bridge-and-tunnel B.O."—Boston Globe

"With Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, the movie division of DC Entertainment and the parent studio, Warner Bros., have given the fanboys and the Nolanoids what they crave—and lo, it is impressive and, lo, it is godawful."—Vulture

"Human trafficking, intimations of child abuse (Luthor mutters about suffering his father's "fist and abominations"), a hollowed-out Superman resigning himself to the notion that "no one stays good in this world"….the film is only slightly more pessimistic than Lars von Trier'sAntichrist. You'd have to go back to Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ to find this much Christian iconography wedded to this much sadism."—Chicago Tribune

At least there will be 10 sequels and 10 more shitty movies to completely trash. The Batman Lego Movie actually looks good, though.

From US Esquire

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