These Are The Players Sam Allardyce Will Definitely Call Up To England

​Every Kevin in English football​

Oh God. It's happening, isn't it? The moment we all saw coming, but ignored for so long.

A trail of mangled chewing gum leads from the car park of the F.A HQ all the way to Greg Dyke's office, tracking the path of fate foretold. Steve McClaren, Roy Hodgson - mere hurdles, crushed under the weight of destiny's Matalan running shoes.

Sam Allardyce is England manager.

And Big Sam remembers all those who doubted him, and all those who stayed loyal to the cause. And the latter half – the men listed below – are getting a call-up to the England squad, no questions asked…

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Kevin Nolan

Age: 34

Club: None

Nolan's not been having a very good time of it, recently. After leaving Big Sam's West Ham team after a very poor season of looking angry and not much else (earning criticism from the chairman's son), he took the player-manager job at Leyton Orient.

Which was fitting, because 34-year old Nolan is very much the kind of man you would expect to literally rip-off his suit at half-time in a fit of rage. "Right" he fumes, winding up to headbutt his own misfiring striker, "I'll sort this out". Steaming on to bonk in a last-minute consolation in a 3-1 loss, before kicking the boardings to pieces in celebration.

Anyway, it didn't work out, he was sacked, and now he's clubless. But that won't stop Sam calling up his elbow-flapping protégée. He just needs to wait by the phone and play it cool.

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Lee Cattermole

Age: 28

Club: Sunderland

Lee Cattermole only really exists in the moments when whistles are blown. At least, that's when you notice him most – after scything down a fleet-footed midfielder, or two-footing anyone with the audacity to take more than one touch of the ball.

Lee Cattermole's dictionary does not contain the word 'nonsense'. He has no use for it. He is Sam Allardyce's Sunderland captain, and quite possibly the most Sam Allardyce-y player to ever skid around a football pitch.

If only to piss off Arsene Wenger, he will make the England squad. And what's more, he will break Jack Wilshere in half like a Kit-Kat during a training session, and Allardyce will treat Cattermole to an egg-and-chips lunch in celebration.

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Craig Allardyce

Age: 41

Club: None

Wherever he goes, Sam Allardyce creates a team in his own image – and so who better for that than Craig Allardyce, Big Sam's doppelganger son.

It's not the first time he would have injected his own blood into a team. A defender like his dad, Craig was transferred to Allardyce's Blackpool squad in 1994 on a free transfer.

He only played once, but that's just not the point. Fact is, if you were an international striker, who would you rather face up to: friendly John Stones, with his kind eyes and sixth-former's facial hair, or a fearsome member of the Allardyce clan? Get him out of retirement and into an England kit, stat.

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Kevin Davies

Age: 39

Club: None

Remember when your respect for Sam Allardyce wasn't begrudging? Back in 2003, when he was leading Bolton into Europe with a canny rag-tag team of continental legends, dazzling forwards and British grit?

Kevin Davies was the motor behind that team. A striker who managed to make his studs-up presence felt around every inch of the pitch.

A little fact about Kevin Davies: in his Bolton career, he committed over 1,000 fouls, more than any other player in Premier League history. He lives for it. The bone crunching tackle. The flying elbow. The sentence "It's a man's game", delivered after destroying some poor midfielder's fibula. Watch this video, and tell us that Sam Allardyce will be able to resist bringing him into the England fold.

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Andy Carroll

Age: 27

Club: West Ham

Granted, the man's injury record would have had Evil Knievel wincing - but what we could have done with Andy Carroll's intimidating, 6 ft 4 presence at the European Championships this summer.

Carroll's performance against Arsenal last season, where he inspired a huge comeback through sheer force of will, was the epitome of Allardyce's core belief: that with enough heart, and spirit, and bollocks, you can just about beat anyone.

If Carroll can keep fit, will Allardyce ride his ponytail all the way to international success? We can only wait and see.