It's hot, isn't it? Have you heard it is, in fact, the #hottestdayoftheyear? Did you fail to sleep last night while staring at your window, wishing you had the mastery of physics to turn it into a wind tunnel?
If you didn't die from heatstroke and actually made it into work, you then had to endure the barrage of heatwave stories online (and from that guy from college posting about being a 'literal puddle of sweat!'). If the heat doesn't kill you, then enduring your colleagues lament over how they couldn't sleep last night might. The same colleagues who last week were staring desolately out the window at the cascading rain whilst shaking their heads and asking where the summer was.
It is only midday and already we have read reports that "Roads are expected to MELT and railway lines buckle in the searing heat, with commuters told to prepare for travel chaos."
Sounds normal, and likely. Don't you remember the last time it was a bit hot and the entire world literally disintegrated in front of you?
Have we not built our travel infrastructure to withstand 30 degrees? What happens in Sydney or Madrid when it gets this hot? (Or 15 degrees hotter as it frequently is.) Do they just give up and watch their roads melt thinking 'Damn, gotta make those again tomorrow.'
After only 72 hours of hottish weather we're also apparently due "an influx of lethal jellyfish with tentacles as long as five London buses." This was also predicted last summer after a heatwave but only one solitary jellyfish washed up in Cornwall.
But don't worry: we're also due a visit from "Giant 8ft long turtles head[ing] our way too", for which lethal jellyfish are the "perfect bite sized snack." Seemingly, the whole of the UK is set to become a bad Gulliver's Travels spin-off.
The 'killer heatwave' reports are everywhere, missing one inconvenient truth: it isn't a heatwave. The Met Office says it uses the World Meteorological Organization definition - which means the daily maximum temperature needs to exceed the average maximum temperature by 5C for five consecutive days. This has not even happened on one day yet.
We think everybody needs to Frappuccino up and chill out. Tonight is forecast a tropical thunderstorm with one month's worth of rainfall overnight. Then you'll think back to this balmy heat longingly, and complain about how it's never hot in England.