Poland is lighting a Yankee Candle and pouring out the dregs of a Malbec into your glass. "Hej babe" Poland rests two palms on your shoulders and begins to rub rhythmically. "Feeling comfortable?" Katie Melua grooves gently from the speakers as Ginger Dusk saunters under your nostrils. "How about we take this party upstairs?"
Poland only wants one thing.
Poland wants to spoon.
That is, according to research by online doctor site Dr Ed, who surveyed 2,000 people in Europe and the US on their favourite sex positions.
Poland were the only European country to vote in favour of the spooning position, with the UK, France, Germany, Austria, Spain and Romania opting for doggy style.
The Netherlands surprised many by choosing missionary, but we must remember how beautiful they all are and, subsequentially, how much time they'd want to spend gazing at eachothers' impossibly angular faces.
Elsewhere on the continent, Belgium, Switzerland and Italy chose the cowgirl position. Europeans were also questioned on what positions they'd most like to try, with the top answers being: on a tabletop (unhygienic), followed by 69 standing up (stressful), kneeling wheelbarrow (ridiculous) and anal (ungodly).