I'm trying to leave my bitterness at the door as I enter this room, but it's really, really hard.
Inside sits Ronaldinho Gaúcho, flap-footed architect of my most gut-wrenching football memories (England 2002, Arsenal 2006). This man tore my young heart apart - and what's more, he smiled whilst doing it, like some kind of sicko.
Needless to say, one glimpse of that disarming, bucktoothed grin and all my resentment disappears in an instant. It's a wind-glued joie de vivre that has managed to break down even the toughest of defences, from your route one-loving dad to rival Real Madrid fans who once gave him a standing ovation after he tore their hapless team of Galacticos apart.
Here's what the former Barca man had to say for himself:
Hello Ronaldinho. Honestly, did you mean to score that goal against England in 2002?
Oh, alright fair enough. Must have been fun to win the whole thing.
It was the best party of my life. The whole country was on the street enjoying it. The nation was painted yellow and green. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life.
Sounds nice. We saw that you released a single the other month, 'Sozinho', and you've appeared in songs before. Is there an album on the way?
Music's a project for the future. Right now I'm working on compositions [rather] than being a singer, but a lot of people have already asked me appear on tracks. Maybe not an album, but more music.
Who was the best dancer in the Brazil squad, then?
(Cracks up for, like, a full minute. Really eats into our time) Me! Obviously.
Let's talk Brazil. What's the most beautiful place that Brits should visit?
It's difficult to say. There are places with really nice beaches, places where there are really nice women. Brazil has everything, all types of beauty.
What football match would you suggest buying tickets for?
To go see a game in Brazil is different to any other part of the world. The only similar place to compare it to is Africa. There's a lot of music, it's like a party, but in Europe it's different. People go to focus on the game. Any match in Brazil is different to Europe.
What about food? What are we munching on?
Always look for a churrascaria. It's barbecued meat, but in Brazil it's different. I like to cook, but I much prefer to eat.
So becoming a cook is out of the picture. What about managing?
No, it's not for me.
Lastly, what was your favourite trick to pull off on the football pitch?
The elastico. That's what I most enjoyed doing. I used it a lot.
Ronaldinho is an ambassador for the UEFA Champions League Trophy Tour Presented by Heineken #ChampionTheTrophy