To the left of you, an old lady dressed as a Minion is screaming inspirational quotes into the void. To the right, a man is jabbing a thick album of baby photos into the tender dents of your ribcage. On the pitch, 22 old schoolmates you haven't talked to in at least a decade are all being slightly racist to each other. This is the Facebook football stadium, and it could soon be a reality for Spurs fans.
According to the Independent, an American investment company backed by Mark Zuckerberg, the Facebook owner baby-stepping his way to world domination, is reportedly interested in purchasing Tottenham.
The club have moved to deny claims they are about to be taken over by Iconiq Capital, despite rumours of a £1 billion bid.
The club are moving into their new stadium in 2019 which will likely limit their budget for the foreseeable future, but they've been quick to dispel the rumours of a takeover. A statement on Tottenham's official website stated:
"The club engaged Rothschild to secure the funding for the new stadium. As expected, many proposals came forward including bank debt and equity investment.
"The club announced on 31 May 2017 the completion of the bank debt financing for the new stadium with a consortium of banks involving Bank of America Merrill Lynch International Limited, Goldman Sachs Bank USA and HSBC Bank plc.
"The Board believes this was the optimum solution in the interests of fans, employees and shareholders and for the continued development of the club.
"The Board is not in any discussions relating to a takeover offer for the club."
Oh well. Just the American Presidency for poor ol' Mark, then.