"PC World... got to watch what you say in there."
- Seymour Mace
"Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas."
- Robert Garnham
"Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs."
- Paul Savage
"I was going to have a poached egg for breakfast today but then I remembered the camera on my phone was broken, so I had a fried egg."
- Adam Hess
"The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in."
- Gráinne Maguire
"I just gave a guitar to my girlfriend. A Fender? No she liked it."
- Tim Vine
"My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically."
- Evelyn Mok
"One thing about going to Eton is that you get pigeon-holed. But on the plus side, you do get a pigeon hole."
- Ivo Graham
"A lot of older people wonder if there'll be life after death. There will, it just won't involve them."
- Lee Nelson
"I like to think the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call is 'brella' but he hesitated."
- Andy Field