The Manual - How not to wrap presents

The first in our series of Christmas survival guides, how not to wrap presents. Because, let's face it you're a bloke.

1 The Hostage - This involves pinning your gift down on a piece of paper and then frantically binding it in yards of tape.

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2 The recycle - You are convincing no one when you claim that carefully unpicking one of your own presents and reusing the wrapping is your small contribution to saving the planet.

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3 The bag and tag - Taping the department store bag shut and writing a message on it in biro shows a distinct lack of tender loving care. Even worse when you fail to remove the receipt.

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4 The Cracker - It might initially seem quite inventive to roll bottles and tubes in paper and scrunch the ends together with tape to form something that looks vaguely like a big Christmas cracker. In reality though it looks like a Broadmoor handicraft project.

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5 The Cheryl Cole - The too-perfect one that they wrap for you in the shop but stands out like a sore thumb among the rest of your hostages, recycles and massive bloody crackers.