"Mentally, I'm a size eight"

Most Popular

Sited as the "modern world's equivalent of the Japanese Haiku", the London Review of Books' infamous lonely hearts ads have, for the past decade, provided an oft intriguing, never boring and always amusing perspective into the lives of those seeking love.

David Rose, an editor in the New York Office of the London Review of Books, has been responsible for the ads since the beginning, and this month sees the launch of Rose's latest book "Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland", a compilation of some of the funniest, most hopeless and downright desperate lonely hearts ads from his LRB tenure. There are some real crackers inside, so, to save you the trouble, we've picked out a few of our favourites from the book - take note, and never follow suit.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

1. This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no, 5436.

2. Mentally. I'm a size eight. Compulsive eating F, 52, WLTM man to 25 for whom the phrase 'beauty is only skin-deep' is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos. Box-no. 5115.

3. Drooling, toothless sociopath (M, 57) seeks F any age to help make this abandoned gas station kiosk feel more like home. Must bring shoes (size 10) Box no. 5310.

Most Popular

4. The average person contains enough iron in their body to make a small nail. Not me, I've got about a tent peg's worth. Man, 57, enjoys licking railings. Box no. 3352

5. This advert originally contained a 300-word paragraph about cats but I edited it out. Woman, 36. Box no. 5637

6. No beards. F, 38. Box no. 6956.

7. Wanted: rich, deaf and blind woman to take my irascible old fart of a father off my hands. Must like the Telegraph. Box no. 9470.

8. English lecturer, 44. Modeling himself on The Fonz in an entirely non-ironic way since 1971. Box no. 5222.

9. This town isn't big enough for the both of us. Failed urban planner. M, 48. Didsbury. Box no. 9876

10. I've spent my adult life fabricating reciprocal feelings from others and I don't intend to stop now, nor at any other London Review Bookshop event I'm summarily ejected from. Yes, once the history section had emptied and we were left alone his voice said "I'm not interested", but his eyes very clearly stated "please follow me home at a discreet distance and secretly observe me from the shrubs in the park opposite". Woman, 43. Reading between the lines even when the lines aren't actually there. Don't pretend you don't love me. Box no. 7966.

"Sexually I'm more of a Switzerland" is released by Picador on October 15. £9.99