Brendon Burns

Ten Things I Hated in 2012

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The acerbic Aussie comic lists his year's ten biggest let-downs.

“It’s been such a good year”, says Aussie comedian Brendon Burns, over the phone in Snowy Mountains, Australia, “I almost can’t think of anything to complain about”. Thirty minutes later, it turned out that he could. Here’s what pissed Brendon Burns off in 2012:

1.     Anyone under thirty acting in anything.

There’s this worrying trend of fantastical over-acting, especially in sitcoms. People are like “Are you serious?! My keys?!?” How are you so surprised by your own fucking keys? Everyone sounds like John McEnroe in the 1970’s.

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2.     Olympic Cynicism

Before the opening ceremony kicked off I saw so many British people’s Facebook updates saying ‘Why not talk about our years of tyranny?’ Can’t you just let your country do something good? Once?

3.     The Future Hasn’t Happened Yet

Right. Back To The Future is supposed to be set in only three years time, yet there are still NO protypes for flying cars! It’s bullshit. We’re busy trying to find the God Particle – where the hell’s my floating skateboard?

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4.    The Dark Knight Rises

I tried to enjoy the thing, but I was sat watching it in Montreal with a bunch of nerds, and they were furious that Batman made jokes. You know when he’s like ‘So that’s what that feels like’ when Catwoman slinks off into the night? They couldn’t take it, and they ruined the fucking movie for me.

5.     The complete works of Billy Joel

I suggested using ‘Just the Way You are’ in one of my shows, but my wife tore it apart! She pointed out the misogyny in his lyrics - then she tore apart all of his songs! It turns out his underlying message is ‘shut the fuck up and listen to my bullshit. I used to box’.

6.     The End of Days

What happened there? All this build up and then – BAM - nothing. Massive let down.

7.     British Summer

You had TWO DAYS IN MAY. That’s ridiculous. These days you’ve got to fly ten hours to make sure you don’t get rained on in June and July. Australian summers last for six to eight months, not three weekends.

8.      Leveson’s lack of impact

Sales of the Sun and the Mail haven’t gone down. At all. Exactly how bad to they have to fuck up? Rupert Murdoch could snort your granny’s ashes in front of you, and it wouldn’t affect circulation. He could turn up at people’s houses, take shits on their coffee tables, and people would be like “Ah, Murdoch! He loves a dump on a coffee table!”

9.     The Farthinghoe Village Fete

It’s my local village fete – turns out it’s awful. One of the raffle prizes was a can of Coke. I entered the raffle because I was thirsty. I won some washing up liquid.

 10. The sheer amount of exercise I have to do

To prevent just being a total mess. I’m now at the stage where I can get injured doing nothing. And it stays with you for months. My body doesn’t bounce back any more. That’s being 41.

Brendon Burns' new stand-up DVD 'Y' Know - Love 'n' God 'n' Metaphysics 'n' Shit' is out now and also available to download from:

His live show, Home Stretch Baby – is at the Soho Theatre from November 12th to 17th.

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