Top five top tips from Viz

Though we realise "Viz: Top Of The Tips" has been on the shelves for a full six days now, it’s taken us that long to overcome our laughter-induced stomach cramps and teary eyes. So, long overdue thought it is, here's our selection from the 30 year-old comic's hilarious collection of tips.

Promise to ring people at specific times, and then don’t. They’ll ring you to see what’s wrong, at which point you can have your original planned conversation at their expense.
Dawn Ralphson, Lancs

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Save money when buying skimmed milk by buying full fat milk instead, then simply diluting at home with water.
Mr C. Day, Milton Keynes

Mrs Tom Jones. Prevent your husband from bursting on a hot day by pricking him several times with a fork.
E. Hoover, Leeds

Drivers. Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.
Tim Bradbury, Bristol

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
P. Loft, Gateshead