Where to watch the election

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Everyone of a certain age remembers where they were on Election night 1997 when Tony Blair took power, sweeping aside 18 years of Tory rule. With the result too close to call, tonight’s result may prove just as tumultuous. Now obviously it’s compulsory for all right-minded people to tune into the BBC with Dimbleby and the latest version of the swingometer and all that. But, in all honesty, election night TV is a gruelling mix of excitement and stamina. If you’re not up to the challenge, here are some other places to watch events unfold:

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Opposite Big Ben
The Beeb plan to beam the results as they come in onto St. Stephen’s Tower in a bar graph style orgy of Day Today graphics. The number of seats won will be updated over the course of the night until one party pases the winning line at the 326 seats mark and takes control. Expect a multitude of minor prangs as passing drivers straing their necks to see who's winning.

The BNP’s bunker
It’s bound to be pretty lonely down there tonight. With a key party official lying low after kicking an 18-year old Asian in the head; the head of online operations having departed in a blaze of website-destroying vitriol; and the Publicity Director reportedly having planned a bloody coup against the party’s glorious leader, there’ll be plenty of space to spread your legs down at Welshpool - as long as the sight of Nick Griffin in his underwear downing meths doesn’t offend too much. Maybe you could light a ciggie...

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Anwhere you want
Number 10’s iphone app delivers information from the prime minister’s office - which tonight could mean fights breaking out, cctv images of Gordon hastily stuffing anything not nailed down into a large hessian sack and the sound of the Bullingdon Reunion Boys Club drunkenly shouldering the number 10 door off its finely polished hinges.

York Outer
All three parties are finely poised for a real humdinger here with the Conservatives currently leading the Lib Dems by just 0.4 % and Labour only a few per cent behind that. Expect the loudest cheer of the night around 11 when results come in. Certainly louder than anything York City stadium has heard recently anyway.

From behind the sofa
Let’s face it, whoever gets in, the next few years are going to be pretty grim. We’re reminded of The Onion’s headline when Obama won: Black man given nation's worst job. Happy Election night!