• Your initials

You are very confident everyone knows who you are. Perhaps too confident.

• Your name with a single “x” kiss

You’re in PR.

• Kind regards

You're a maiden aunt in wolf’s clothing.

• Cheers

You’re looking for a casual, open-necked-shirt-with-a-suit kind of vibe, but hitting second-hand car salesman.

• Your nickname

You have a deeply deluded view of your own popularity. Why, even now, the work experience kid is making everyone laugh by doing a Joey Deacon face behind your back.

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• Yours faithfully

You yearn for a simpler, more elegant age when people knew their place and the correct way to address a bishop.

• Just name, job title, phone number

You are under the impression a war has been declared.

• Take care

You are both patronising and insincere.

• Best wishes

You are nice, trustworthy, a bit wishy-washy maybe, perhaps lacking the required killer edge, probably never going to be top-drawer, might in fact be happier in a different organisation, sacked.

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• Best

As above, but you are making a concerted effort to develop a steelier side before it's too late.

• Peace out

You are strictly old-skool. No, you're actually a bit of  a twat.

• Ciao

You are either really, really creepy or a master ironist five years ahead of his time. Or Italian.

• Have a nice day

You’re American. (You’d better be.)

• From the desk of Captain Marvellous

You work in IT.

• Thanks!!!

You are some kind of hysterical girl-thing, or have been struck down by Parkinson’s mid-email.

• You will remember

You are Paul Torrisi, ludicrous “property magnate” from the first series of The Apprentice.

• Rgds

You’re just sooo busy, aren't you? 

• :-)

You are either very young, in which case no one will take you very seriously, or you are very twee, in which case no one will take you very seriously.

• ;-)

You are inappropriately flirtatious while also being completely unsexy.

• Laters

You are 38 going on 14. Or, at least, you might have been five years ago.

• Thanks

You may well be too nice.

• Thank you very much

Now you’re just being insincere or, more likely, sarcastic.

• (Nothing at all)

You are absurdly impatient, and frankly it’s coming across as rude.

What do you think?

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