The List

People Even More Annoying Than Middle Lane Drivers

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So it seems there's talk in the news of fining people who sit for hours in the middle lane of the motorway. Interesting idea you might think, but we say there are quite a few other ant-social types even more deserving of some on-the-spot attention:

 

Any man under 55 wearing a hat.

People at work who take a 4-litre plastic bottle to the slow-drip water fountain.

Clothes shop assistants who follow you around refolding everything you touch.

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People who publicly discuss Game of Thrones spoilers (no, it's not ok to talk about it just because 'it's been in the books for ages').

Any small child who insists on carrying a small wheelie case.

Anyone who starts a post on Facebook with the words ‘I don’t normally do this kind of thing but…’

People who make hashtags with their fingers.

Men who wear multi-pocket zip-up utility trousers and all-terrain hiking shoes. In a city centre pub.

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People who wear singlets at the gym. And use the word buff. And stand naked in front of the mirrors blow drying body hair.

People who put a wet teaspoon in the sugar bowl.

Pedestrians who 'help' you reverse park by gesticulating into your rear view mirror and shouting "You could fit in a bus in there mate!".

People who make over-elaborate breakfasts in the work kitchen - slicing blueberries, warming porridge in the microwave, toast racks, white tablecloths.

Bagpipers.

Using the words ‘lovin’ life’ in reference to your instagram pictures of the sun shining.

People who walk too fast behind you, clipping your heels.

People who walk too slow in front of you, clipping their heels.

Sales calls from your bank, disguised as a legitimate call.

Mumford-esque trust fund buskers playing the banjo/harmonica.

Fire and brimstone preachers on Oxford Street (if you want to save us a from the flames of eternal damnation, at least work on that distorted megaphone delivery).

Cashiers who give you change and receipt in one hand forcing you to cloak the coins into a nest that surprises you next time you pull it out of your pocket.

People who do backstroke in the fast lane of the swimming pool.

Short pedestrians with open umbrellas.

Strangers who call you Hun or Darling or Babe on email.

Anyone at a cashpoint simultaneously trying to check their mortgage payment, pay in a postal order and change up their leftover Danish Kroner.

People constantly holding iPads above their heads as cameras at gigs.

Men who wear Ugg boots.

People who drive cars outside their skill sets ie 4x4s they're too scared to reverse at more than 2mph.

Anyone who's spent long enough on LinkedIn to have 500+ contacts. 

People trying to read a book/kindle as they walk/drive. (It happens.)

The unusually tall guy with big hair and plastic leather jacket who emerges out of nowhere in front of you seconds before the band take to the stage.

People that are always more ill than anyone else.

Cyclists on Boris bikes who pop up in front of you at traffic lights.

Cyclists on Boris bikes who are also operating a mobile phone who pop up in front of you at traffic lights.

Cyclists on Boris bikes.

Interviewers who repeatedly ask the same question, incrementally louder, to politicians.

Politicians who incrementally don't answer questions.

Girlfriends who borrow/wear/steal your favourite socks.

Politicians who claim to like Tinchy Stryder, Strictly Come Dancing and greasy pastry products.

Zane Lowe.

Try another Esquire List - What Your Email Sign-Off Says About You

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