The Dos and Don'ts of Instagram

Esquire's Creative Director, David McKendrick, gives his Insta-dos-and-don'ts

Hands down: Esquire's Creative Director, Mr David McKendrick, is the most prolific Instagrammer our magazine has ever known.

Food! Cars! Babes! The man has an eye for the world's most aesthetically pleasing social media platform.

But the Insta-aficionado has some pointed advice for the app's powerusers. Presented below are his dos and really, really don'ts.

 

Let’s not pretend anything other than the truth: Instagram is the prefect arena to show off.

If at any opportunity, you’re doing something mega, get it on there: a seat at the world cup final, driving a fancy motor, taking a holiday in LA LA land – do it.

 

It’s simple: just as alcohol sways your judgment in real life, the same applies when posting on the Internet.

Though taking a picture of an empty bottle of Smirnoff might seem like a good idea in the context of the evening, it makes you look like a tragic alkie – or so your boss will think when he flicks past it on a Sunday morning.

 

Honestly, every now and again you have to take the piss out yourself. Yes, show everyone the sunburn you got at the seaside.

It’s fine: people like self-deprecating people. Reality can be refreshing.
 

It’s not cool to put your Willy on the internet under any circumstance – doesn’t matter if you’re Anthony Weiner or Carlos Danger.

The same applies to your alleged six-pack: take the guns to Grindr (or bloody Tinder) if that’s your thing.

I’ve even seen someone post a massive – and outstanding – credit card bill. Bloody hell. We don’t need a picture of it, the world is depressing enough. We don’t feel sorry for you.


You likely know the uplifting feeling of seeing the thumbnail-sized image of a pretty girl that’s just followed you – it seems too good to be true.

Naturally, it is.

By my approximations, it’s 99.99% certain that a) she doesn’t fancy you, that b) she is, in fact, a he, and that c) he wants you to buy followers. Sorry, gents.

 

If there is ever an opportunity to take your picture with a famous person, bury all inhibitions and go for it. You only live once. If you can get them doing a Terry Richardson thumbs up? Even better.

It’s their fault they’re famous – they’ll live. So, the next time you see Chris Eubank in the Co-op, do it.

(N.B.: this is the only time and excuse to take a selfie.)
 

Don’t like your ex’s pictures. It’s weird. You look desperate. My advice? Delete her and never be tempted, she won’t get back with you because of your Instagram account.

I mean, not unless you were some sort of Insta-celebrity. And had tens of thousands of followers.

I know a place you can buy those.

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