You don't smile or celebrate when you score an outrageous goal – just nod as if you expected it.
You watch the replay of your goals in slow motion from three different angles. And save them.
You have a customised version of Ipswich Town that still manages to draw with Real Madrid.
"Who changed the settings from high press mode?"
You look at your opponents hands during a penalty shoot out.
You create your own team of 11, 7ft-tall, Ronaldo-Kompany-Neuer hybrid super athletes.
You 'only play as your favourite team'. (Which just happens to be Real Madrid.)
"What's shoot again? I normally play on Xbox"
You deliberately score an own goal in a strop when you're losing.
You insist on watching all of the pre-match build up.
You're 3 goals up, so you decide to try and score with your keeper.
"It's not letting me change my defenders!"
You suddenly pause the game when you're in possession to unnerve your opponent.
You spend a full 11 minutes at half time tweaking tactics.
Your trademark goal is the move when you're one-on-one with the keeper and square it for a tap in. You know which one we mean.
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