10 Ways to Amuse Yourself at Christmas

Try some cheap thrills to get you through all that festive 'family time'

1 | Teach children to swear. Ages three-to-five is perfect – any younger is criminal, older is too late.

2 | Hit the cherry brandy early (for some reason, you’re allowed to drink it at any time of day).

3 | Wear a Santa hat at all times, ensuring nothing useful will be expected of you.

4 | Count the number of uses of “tradition” throughout the day, marking each use with a “God bless us, every one”.

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5 | Play the Queen’s Speech Solo Drinking Game: one shot for every use of “Commonwealth”, “United Kingdom”, “family” or a humorously posh vowel.

6 | Provoke old family arguments with a single throwaway word or remark. If in doubt, try “inheritance”.

7 | Sit next to children under seven at dinner – they don’t judge, and they don’t expect you to talk to them.

8 | Goad dogs into farting: try slipping them cheese or sprouts under the table for greatest effect.

9 | Buy a child the gift you actually want – PS4, table hockey, quad bike – allowing you the right to spend the rest of the day "setting it up".

10 | Strongly make the case for Human Centipede 2 for the evening movie.


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